Dawn brought this balance into her thinking, she began to
notice that she brought a greater balance into the way she
handled situations.
Pauline had felt very stressed for several months. She was
concerned about her son, whom she believed was sometimes
being bullied at school. She was also concerned about her
mother, who had been ill for some time. She herself had recently
taken on a lot more responsibility at work. The result of this was
that she was constantly feeling tired and depressed.
When Pauline described how she thought about these
situations she invariably saw the situation either as if she were in
the other person’s shoes, or sometimes if she was dissociated she
would be close to the other person. Even in this dissociated state
she experienced feelings and discovered that the feelings were
not her own but those of the other person. There was no place in
her thinking where she was free of emotion and, not surprisingly,
she felt unable to think about these situations objectively. She was
weighed down with everyone’s feelings most of the time.
Pauline discovered that by stepping out of 2nd position and
giving back the feelings to the rightful owner, she began to feel
more relaxed (more like herself again). She positioned herself
so she was equidistant from herself and the other person in her
thinking; she effectively started to take a more balanced view
of the situation. She began to be able to handle situations
more objectively.
Your thinking patterns are the template for your experience.
If your thinking about a situation is out of balance, then you will
probably find yourself giving one part of the situation or one
person a greater priority than others. Typically, nonassertive
behavior results from giving others a higher priority than you
give yourself. Aggressive behavior results from giving yourself
a higher priority than those around you. Excessive use of 1st
position thinking can result in aggressive behavior. Excessive
use of 2nd position thinking can lead to nonassertive behavior.
Similarly, the balance, or lack of it, in your thinking about
the situation will influence your level of assertion. If you
imagine other people as larger than life with booming voices
and yourself as small with a quiet, squeaky voice, it is not
Giving back feelingsNEGOTIATE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE: PERCEPTUAL POSITIONS 321