222 Nietzschethose machines that can explode! The intensities of my feelings make
me shudder and laugh. Several times I could not leave my room for the
ridiculous reason that my eyes were inflamed—and why? Each time I
had wept too much during my walks of the preceding day. My tears were
not sentimental, but tears of joy. I sang and said nonsensical things,
filled with a new vision that puts me ahead of everyone else" (B 6,112;
Aug. 14,1881).
Nietzsche was in a skeptical frame of mind at the time this inspiration
came to him. He had, after all, written in Human, All Too Human that
inspiration, like many other things that appear to be sublime, looks bet-
ter than it is in reality. In the fall of 1877, he had entered the following
remark in his notebook: "Our vanity promotes the cult of genius and
inspiration" (8,475).
Nietzsche's letter to Peter Gast is evidence of his effort to remain
calm. Before drawing any definitive conclusions, he hoped to summon
up all the presence of mind needed to weigh and examine the colossal
idea that had overtaken him. He already recognized, however, that these
conclusions would be unfathomable, and from now on his life would be
devoted to this inspiration at the Sudej boulder. Prior to this day in
August, Nietzsche had had a presentiment of his calling, and now he had
found it. His mood fluctuated between euphoria and alarm. It was not so
simple to become the "mouthpiece" of a great message. Five months
after the event he wrote to Gast: "In regard to my 'thoughts'—it is no
problem for me to have them; but getting rid of them when I want to do so
is always infernally hard for me!" (56,161; Jan. 29,1882).
Nietzsche proceeded slowly and cautiously in proclaiming his grand
new scheme. He provided gende hints at the conclusion of the fourth
book of The Gay Science, written in the summer of 1882. Another full year
would pass before he had Zarathustra take the stage, tentatively and
almost gingerly confiding to him the thought that "takes 'millennia' to
evolve into something" (Β 6,159; Jan. 25, 1882). When broaching his
idea to friends, and in particular to Lou Salomé, his lover during the
summer of 1882, he spoke only in hushed tones.