30 Nietzsche
fied simply to recall the past, he strove to capture the future as well. He
contentedly pictured himself poring over his chronicle in the future. He
imagined himself as the future reader of himself. "It is exquisitely beau-
tiful to convey the first years of your life before your soul and thereby to
discern the evolution of your soul" (/1,31). He knew that he was slip-
ping away from himself in the experienced moment, and could discov-
er himself only in retrospect. Only then would he fully grasp what had
shaped and unconsciously guided him. At this point in his life, he was
certain that the "almighty hand of God" (/1,1) was at work. Convinced
that nothing is pure chance, he tried to establish meaningful links.
Sharing his late father's passion for improvisation on the piano main-
tained one of these links.
The early death of his beloved father left Nietzsche "solitary" but
because he got along well on his own, he was not dejected when alone.
He realized that he was too serious for his age, but how could it be oth-
erwise? He had had to cope with the deaths of his father, his younger
brother, an aunt, and his grandmother, and the experience of leaving
behind the tranquil world of the village parsonage in Röcken and mov-
ing to Naumburg after the death of his father tore him apart. How could
he not turn solemn? He was proud of his earnest attitude, even though
his fellow students often teased him for it On one occasion, when he
strode across the marketplace during a downpour with the ramrod pos-
ture prescribed by the school, the children tauntingly dubbed him "the
litde pastor."
Nietzsche considered his own gravity a mark of distinction. One self-
description written in October 1862 closed with the following words:
"Serious, tending to extremes, I would say passionately serious, in a vari-
ety of circumstances, in joy and in sorrow, even in pia/' (/ 2,120).
Observing himself from without as a nineteen-year-old, he fancied him-
self "a plant, born near the churchyard." Far from striving to be pious
and well-behaved, however, he dreamed of a path in life that would pull
him about and enable him to indulge his wild streak. He sought out the
"free temple of nature" (/ 1,8) and took great delight when lightning,