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So I was kind of surprised the next night when—after he’d made me dinner at his house
and after we’d sprawled on his couch for several hours and discussed all manner of subjects
and after he’d unexpectedly leaned into me for a moment and sunk his face toward my armpit
and pronounced how much he loved the marvelous dirty stink of me—Felipe finally put his
palm against my cheek and said, “That’s enough, darling. Come to my bed now,” and I did.
Yes, I did come to his bed with him, in that bedroom with its big open windows looking out
over the nighttime and the quiet Balinese rice fields. He parted the sheer, white curtain of
mosquito netting that surrounded his bed and guided me in there. Then he helped me out of
my dress with the tender competence of a man who had obviously spent many comfortable
years getting his children ready for bathtime, and he explained to me his terms—that he
wanted absolutely nothing from me whatsoever except permission to adore me for as long as
I wanted him to. Were those terms acceptable to me?
Having lost my voice somewhere between the couch and the bed, I only nodded. There
was nothing left to say. It had been a long, austere season of solitude. I had done well for my-
self. But Felipe was right—that was enough.
“OK,” he replied, smiling as he moved some pillows out of our way and rolled my body un-
der his. “Let’s get ourselves organized here.”
Which was actually pretty funny because that moment marked an end to all my efforts at
organization.
Later, Felipe would tell me how he had seen me that night. He said that I seemed so
young, not in the least bit resembling the self-assured woman he’d come to know in the day-
light world. He said I seemed terribly young but also open and excited and relieved to be re-
cognized and so tired of being brave. He said it was obvious I hadn’t been touched in such a
long time. He found me teeming with need but also grateful to be allowed to express that
need. And while I can’t say that I remember all that, I do take his word for it because he
seemed to be paying awfully close attention to me.
What I mostly remember about that night is the billowy white mosquito netting that sur-
rounded us. How it looked to me like a parachute. And how I felt like I was now deploying this