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And now I’m coming back to Gili Meno under notably different circumstances. Since I was
last here, I’ve circled the world, settled my divorce, survived my final separation from David,
erased all mood-altering medications from my system, learned to speak a new language, sat
upon God’s palm for a few unforgettable moments in India, studied at the feet of an Indone-
sian medicine man and purchased a home for a family who sorely needed a place to live. I
am happy and healthy and balanced. And, yes, I cannot help but notice that I am sailing to
this pretty little tropical island with my Brazilian lover. Which is—I admit it!—an almost
ludicrously fairy-tale ending to this story, like the page out of some housewife’s dream.
(Perhaps even a page out of my own dream, from years ago.) Yet what keeps me from dis-
solving right now into a complete fairy-tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has verit-
ably built my bones over the last few years—I was not rescued by a prince; I was the adminis-
trator of my own rescue.
My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They
say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there
is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which
grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is anoth-
er force operating here as well—the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls
the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolu-
tion from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates
the very acorn from which it was born.
I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and
about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of
pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here
and wonder if it was me—I mean, this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the
deck of this small Indonesian fishing boat—who pulled the other, younger, more confused and
more struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of
potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time:
“Yes—grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholeness