The École Normale Supérieure 1952–1956 73
much anyone, but by him in particular, often to the point of para-
lysis. In front of him, I always felt like a vulgarian of French culture
and of philosophy in general.’^31
In spring 1955, as the written part of the agrégation approached,
Derrida suff ered the same acute anxiety as he had when trying for
the École. The exams were still ‘terrifying ordeals, times of anguish
and exhaustion’ for him, of a kind he would never have to go
through subsequently. ‘The threat of the guillotine – at least that’s
what it seemed like – turned those years into years of hell as far as I
was concerned. This past was really painful, I never liked the École,
in short, I always felt ill at ease there.’^32
At the beginning of May, Derrida was in such a physical and
mental state that he went to see a doctor he did not know, in the rue
Cujas, and was prescribed a mixture of amphetamines and sleeping
tablets, with dire results. Jackie started shaking all over and was
forced to leave the third written exam halfway through, handing
in an unfi nished paper together with a vague plan. This did not
prevent him from passing the written part – but he then topped the
list of those who failed the orals. Maurice de Gandillac sent Derrida
a letter the day after the results came out, saying how sorry he was
at the outcome, especially since he and his colleague Henri Birault
had given him a real ‘vote of confi dence’ by giving the ‘admittedly
shapeless’ and sketchy paper he had handed in at the third written
exam a high enough mark to enable him to proceed to the orals.
Unfortunately, this second part of the agrégation did not go any
better than the fi rst:
My colleagues must have told you why they came down hard
on one of your arguments, which seemed to get Descartes
completely wrong, and for your lecture that, bizarrely enough,
focused on a philosopher who happened to have said next to
nothing about death. There is no question at all of your talent
and, as is the case every year – such is the rule when it comes to
the agrégation –- we had to allow candidates to pass who were
of a signifi cantly lower intellectual ‘quality’ than some who fell
victim to the written or oral exams, since the former students
played by the rulebook and were successful by dint of their con-
scientiousness and their patience. Don’t forget that the ‘leçon’
(‘lecture’) part of the agrégation isn’t an exercise in pure virtu-
osity, but fi rst and foremost an educational tool which pupils
can follow – though this doesn’t mean that, once you’ve rapidly
dealt with the things you’d tell your class, you can’t address the
examiners directly.^33Gandillac concluded his letter as encouragingly as possible, pointing
out that even Sartre had failed at his fi rst attempt. Another member