The Walls of Louis-le-Grand 1949–1952 47
Jean Bellemin-Noël also got onto the case, sending the pro-
grammes for the licence, as well as the dates of the written exams
for Normale Sup. Meanwhile, Jean Domerc managed to fi nd a very
cheap attic room belonging to a certain Mme Bérard, a friend of his
family. The room was at 17, rue Lagrange, very close to Louis-le-
Grand, without heating or running water but wonderfully light and
with its own staircase. Anyway, the opportunity was better than he
could have hoped for and Jackie pounced on it. Even though he still
felt fragile, he did not conceal how much he longed to get away from
El Biar, since he found this return to family life almost as bad as life
at boarding school:
I’m really at the end of my tether here. I could tolerate this
condition at the beginning of term, thinking it would help me
do some good work, that my health would improve notably;
in particular, I’d only just left you, you were still present and
letters merely justifi ed this feeling; now, I feel far, far away.
[.. .] Michel, don’t forget me, I have only your friendship.^20Unfortunately, just as Jackie was about to return to Paris, Michel
was at home with his family in Châtellerault for the whole of the
Easter break. In one last letter, Derrida referred to his recent re-
reading of Nausea. After the tribulations he had just endured, the
book had taken on a new resonance for him:
I have only ever laboured to make the world seem strange to
me, to make all things arise around me as if by miracle; I no
longer know what nature – or the natural – is, I am painfully
amazed by everything. As for the words I use, the attitudes
I strike, my gestures, my thoughts, they bear a strange and
increasing resemblance to those of the Roquentin of Nausea,
who went through an experience that I thought until now I had
understood, assimilated and moved beyond. Well, I was far
from doing so. [.. .] The diff erence is that Roquentin had no
friend and didn’t want one. I am diff erent: I have you to hope
in, Michel.^21Once he was fi nally back in Paris, Jackie lived out of the school
from 2 April onwards. This was an enormous burden off his shoul-
ders. Now he was free to organize his work and his life the way he
wanted, once classes were over. But he continued to behave like an
invalid, going to bed early and eating only the meals served at the
special restaurant in Port-Royal. He worked as hard as he could,
but it was not enough to make up for all the time he had lost. After
such a long absence, the results of this second khâgne were disas-
trous, except in philosophy, where Maurice Savin considered Jackie