A

The Two Me’s 241

understand what is happening to me and be able to describe the process in
intellectual terms, if it is explained to me in some book, but as far as me is
concerned, there is nothing on the other side of the chasm, only gray
clouds of utter confusion.

Personal transformation involves a major personal shift.

 The old and new me‟s are separated by a threshold of confusion.

 Identity must cross this gap by leaping into „thin air.‟

This means that I will not redefine me unless I have to. Only a crazy
man would jump off a cliff if he did not know what was out there and
could see only a blanket of clouds. And, I suggest that this is how many of
us are forced to experience transformation. Living with our childhood me
drives us so crazy with frustration and agony that we finally conclude that
even the purgatory of confusion is better than the hell in which we are now
living. In other words, the persecution in „Russia‟ gets so bad that we
decide that we are willing to risk everything in order to escape.
This is the path of suffering. It works, but at great cost. However, this is
also the benefit of the chaos of „Russia.‟ It is so horrible that it forces
people to leave, and in leaving, they have the opportunity to experience
transformation. Thus,
the pain of remaining in
„Russia‟
counterbalances the
agony of leaving.
Let me illustrate the
„jump‟ of personal
transformation with an
example from the real
countries of Germany
and Russia. I had the
privilege for two
summers of spending
several months in Germany with immigrants from Russia. It is interesting
that they can be divided into two major classes. The first group left during
communism in order to escape personal persecution. These individuals
tend to be honest and hard working. Why? Because they were forced to
jump from the cliff of the old me, and this leap helped them to experience
personal transformation. In other words, the struggle of overcoming the
barriers erected by the communist authorities drove their me to experience
at least partial transformation. In contrast, the second group left after the
fall of communism, to better themselves economically; they did not
experience the same emotional pressure as the first group. Therefore, these
individuals have brought the emotional baggage of Russia to Germany
along with them, complete with Russian chaos, corruption and „Mafia.‟