Feist−Feist: Theories of
Personality, Seventh
EditionIII. Humanistic/Existential
Theories- May: Existential
Psychology
(^362) © The McGraw−Hill
Companies, 2009
356 Part III Humanistic/Existential Theories
Philia
Eros, the salvation of sex, is built on the foundation of philia,that is, an intimate
nonsexual friendship between two people. Philia cannot be rushed; it takes time to
grow, to develop, to sink its roots. Examples of philia would be the slowly evolving
love between siblings or between lifelong friends. “Philia does not require that we do
anything for the beloved except accept him, be with him, and enjoy him. It is friend-
ship in the simplest, most direct terms” (May, 1969a, p. 31).
In Chapter 8, we mentioned that Harry Stack Sullivan placed great importance
on preadolescence, that developmental epoch characterized by the need for a chum,
someone who is more or less like oneself. According to Sullivan, chumship or philia
is a necessary requisite for healthy erotic relationships during early and late adoles-
cence. May, who was influenced by Sullivan at the William Alanson White Institute,
agreed that philia makes eros possible. The gradual, relaxed development of true
friendship is a prerequisite for the enduring union of two people.
Agape
Just as eros depends on philia, so philia needs agape. May (1969b) defined agapeas
“esteem for the other, the concern for the other’s welfare beyond any gain that one
can get out of it; disinterested love, typically, the love of God for man” (p. 319).
Agape is altruistic love. It is a kind of spiritual love that carries with it the risk
of playing God. It does not depend on any behaviors or characteristics of the other
person. In this sense, it is undeserved and unconditional.
In summary, healthy
adult relationships blend
all four forms of love.
They are based on sexual
satisfaction, a desire for
an enduring union, gen-
uine friendship, and an
unselfish concern for the
welfare of the other per-
son. Such authentic love,
unfortunately, is quite dif-
ficult. It requires self-
affirmation and the asser-
tion of oneself. “At the
same time it requires ten-
derness, affirmation of the
other, relaxing of compe-
tition as much as possible,
self-abnegation at times
in the interests of the
loved one, and the age-
old virtues of mercy and
forgiveness” (May, 1981,
Agape is altruistic love that requires nothing in return. p. 147).