T
he prime minister and his Caligulan
co-workers could conga naked —
and probably have — through the
fountains of Trafalgar Square and
almost everyone else would still make
sensible decisions about their health
and the health of others. The concept of being Covid
considerate — Coviderate? — is now as much a part
of British etiquette as forming an orderly queue. I’ll
step into the road. No, allow me. No, me.
That doesn’t mean we’re not desperate for it
all to be over. Last summer — the first time some
masochists began to imagine life after Covid — there
was much discussion about the “new normal”, how
the world had changed for ever and not only in bad
ways. Working parents had become reacquainted
with their kids. Neighbours had got to know
neighbours. Local community was a thing again.
We would for ever love delivery drivers, even the
ones from Hermes.
Now, after many more false dawns, we’re at the
learning to live with Covid stage of the ordeal and
nobody has the energy or desire to think about
drawing pandemic positives. Instead it’s all please
just let things go back to the way they were. I miss
rush hour. I miss uncomfortable shoes.
It would be a shame if, out of sheer exhaustion,
those tentative once-in-a-generation steps
towards something better got thrown out with the
highly transmissible bathwater. And so, although
it’s not an exhaustive list, here are some of the things
I’d be grateful if we could enshrine in whatever version
of normal emerges this year ... or next year, or the one
after the great testicle-shrivelling variant of 2026.
Can we keep the space at the supermarket tills?
You stand right back there while I’m putting my stuff
on the conveyor belt. No, put that couscous back in
your trolley. Wait until I’ve got the divider down.Can we keep the birdsong? I’m very happy to lose
ordering a round via an app, but if we could find a way
to keep the birds happy, that would be magnificent.
Birds and dogs because dogs are watching the data
even more nervously than we are. They want another
lockdown. And a biscuit.
Parents’ evening via Zoom was one of the great
lockdown inventions. We’ve beknighted the vaccine
wizards but why not whoever thought of remote
child-bollocking? It almost makes the months of
remote learning that went with it worthwhile. Yes,
the kids suffered, but at least I could have a sip of
off-camera wine between the five-minute volleys
of “he needs to stop talking in class”. Keep that.
Keep never having to go to a shopping centre.
Keep never having to wear a suit. Keep the “Sorry,
I’m isolating” excuse for not going to things. Keep
how the weather has, in the absence of indoor
entertainment, become far more important than it
used to be. Sunshine — everything is great. Rain —
it will be sunny again one day. Keep I can’t meet for
a coffee but we could discuss it on the phone.
And this one is trickier, but is there a way to bottle
the sense of disproportionate excitement at things
we once took for granted? As in, the takeaway’s arrived.
The takeaway! Hurrah! As in, I’ve just checked into
a hotel and arranged breakfast in bed and even though
it’s just a Premier Inn and a Pret croissant, these
are real tears of joy. As in, I’m on a Ryanair flight to
somewhere 100 miles from the place I thought I was
going to and the lads behind me are on their 14th
can of morning Stella but this is still the best day
of my life. (Too much?)
There are bigger things at stake — the more
equitable division of housework (it’s your turn to put
the bins out, darling; well, it’s your turn to do the
washing-up, dearest), dads at the school gate, mums
and dads at the school play, flexible or at least not
entirely inflexible working, an ever-so-slight shift of
the work/life balance.
But for now, in the great rush towards the elusive
sunlit post-pandemic uplands, I’ll settle for just one
thing if I have to. Can we keep the idea that if you
have flu-like symptoms you stay at home? Heroically
dragging yourself to work to cough on colleagues must
remain a thing of a more mucous past n
CHARLIE CLIFT FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES MAGAZINE @mattrudd
MATT RUDD
Parents’ evening
via Zoom was one of
the great lockdown
inventions. Keep that
Is that the sound of
birdsong? Let’s keep it
If the worst of the pandemic is behind us, which bits would you bring with you?
The Sunday Times Magazine • 5