same way I know this deep layer is there all the time, even when hiding behind ever
so much resistance.
Finally I attribute the change to having improved my acceptance of any situation
as it is here and now, however miserable sometimes. The idea that it should have been
different or at least should become different as soon as possible—since the therapist
has to settle it, and the client expects that after all—has lost its deluding grip.
Everything is exactly the way it is now. It changes continuously, of itself. Do I, as a
therapist to myself, dare to admit this fully? That would reduce the resistance to the
therapeutic process considerably. If the therapist dares, the client often dares too. If
the therapist is defensive about a subject, she gives the client the message that she is
afraid herself and that in fact it could be dangerous to confront it. Both can avoid
this situation this way.
I don’t mean to say that I didn’t learn a few important aspects of the things I
mentioned before—like having to be attentive, trusting and open—in the
psychoanalytic education, or in the behavior therapy course, or in the education for
body-oriented psychotherapy. But it was only in Zen that I learned to apply them
with real consistency. It was not until the intensive training in the monastery, in
particular, for which I had renounced my old life altogether, that my experience went
down to the foundation. If I had not given up everything for this, probably I would
have used the escape ‘that this wasn’t my real life, and that I would return.’ There
was no return. Now I know there is never a return. There is only now. If you’re
standing on a cold floor for a long time, your feet will get cold. That is all. The lessons
were very practical.
Impact on therapeutic practiceAs the way I experience the therapeutic relationship has changed, my attitude has
changed as well. Now I want to make my point here more specific: Zen training has
had the effect of coming to the point soon and being able to keep it, being able to
see through transference and countertransference, not sticking to the past
unnecessarily. Moreover, I notice a tendency to give more attention than before to
what is going well in a client’s life and to empathize not only with sadness but with
happiness as well.
HappinessKarlijn begins the session with the statement that she has no money for
the treatment of her alcohol problem for which I have referred her. She
has a good job and I know her as someone who wastes money and has
already skipped some of the few therapy sessions with me for which her
insurance company is paying. So I’m not very impressed. ‘We have a
problem,’ she says, emphasizing we. I can’t help laughing and say: ‘We?
I’ve no problem, you have one.’ ‘I’ve to manage all by myself,’ she tries248 COMING HOME: THE DIFFERENCE IT MAKES