to follow ten breathings without being distracted. The mind jumps from one subject
to another.
One notices: ‘Hey, I’ve strayed off, hey, I’m thinking of something else.’ So a part
of our consciousness was alert, seeing what happened, neutrally, without any
judgment, just ‘hey.’ Afterwards judgments may appear, such as: ‘I’m not doing my
exercise well, I have to pay attention.’ But at first it’s just awareness. When judgments
come the moment of ‘hey’ is gone already. The judgment ‘I’m not doing my exercise
well’ is a thought, which is followed by ‘hey,’ and then resuming counting the breath.
After much training this ‘hey,’ this mindfulness, the alertness itself is going to
remain present in everything one does, redundant thoughts becoming rarer. In the
beginning it is like observing oneself as if there were an observer and an I, but in the
long run one discovers that there are not two, and there never were. The sense that
there are two, one breathing and one observing the breath, is an artifact of the dualistic
mind. There is no ‘I’ separated from ‘my breath.’ There is only attention. Attention
and breath, these two also seem to be one, streaming, with the center in one’s body,
most of the time in the belly and sometimes in the stomach or heart region. This
experience of not being divided, of oneness, which comes usually only after much
practice, we call deep concentration or stillness. This is the spiritual home, the silent
spot in each of us, which will not be affected by whatever event or emotion. It is
present always. To keep in touch with it, also when I am busy in the outside world,
is the object of my training. This creates a different atmosphere in my therapy so that
my clients learn to experience and apply a little bit of it too.
After having practiced a lot, one can register what is happening in one’s mind and
in the environment without losing this basic concentration. You may think, ‘I can
do this anyhow,’ but it’s only when you do such a breathing exercise that you notice
how many distracting thoughts are developing. And these will be there when
practicing psychotherapy as well. ‘Am I a good therapist?’ ‘What would my supervisor
think of this?’ ‘What a pity to be indoors now that the weather is so nice.’ ‘In fact, I
find this a difficult client, I would rather not treat him, but I shouldn’t think this
way,’ and so on.
Back to KarlijnWith this mindful awareness I approach Karlijn’s opening of the therapy session and
monitor not only what she says, but my own thoughts and feelings as well. I spot the
contrast between what she is saying and the feeling she evokes in me. She has no
money, she says, for a counseling contact for her use of alcohol. And I think: ‘It won’t
be so bad, if you really should want it, you could do it’ and also I’m aware of my
feelings, there is some mockery in it, something unkind. I think: ‘This is an unkind
thought.’ And I wait. Karlijn then comes with her: ‘We have a problem’ and I laugh:
‘I don’t have one.’ As for the words, they could have been blunt and it could have
been a mocking laugh, but it wasn’t, it was gentle. Karlijn provokes misery and from
my slightly ironic thought I notice she’s doing so in the transference now and I stay
alert, I don’t let myself be distracted or provoked.
250 COMING HOME: THE DIFFERENCE IT MAKES