The Choice

captivity. Yet I’ve witnessed again and again how willingly we hand
over our spiritual and mental freedom, choosing to give another
person or entity the responsibility of guiding our lives, of choosing for
us. A young couple helped me understand the consequences of
abdicating this responsibility, of turning it over to someone else. ey
struck a special chord in me because of their youth, because they were
in the phase of life when most of us are hungry for autonomy—and,
ironically, the time when we may be particularly anxious about
whether we are ready for it, strong enough to bear the weight of it.
When Elise sought my help, she had reached suicidal despair. She
was twenty-one years old, her curly blond hair gathered in a ponytail.
Her eyes were red from crying. She wore a man’s large athletic jersey
that came almost to her knees. I sat with Elise in the bright October
sun as she tried to explain the roots of her anguish: Todd.
A charismatic, ambitious, handsome basketball player, Todd was a
near celebrity on campus. She had met him two years ago, when she
was a freshman in college and he was a sophomore. Everyone knew
Todd. e revelation for Elise was that he wanted to get to know her.
He was physically attracted to her, and he liked that Elise didn’t try too
hard to impress him. She wasn’t superĕcial. eir personalities seemed
complementary—she was quiet and shy, he was talkative and
outgoing; she was an observer, he a performer. ey hadn’t been
dating long before Todd asked her to move in with him.
Elise brightened as she recounted the early months of their
relationship. She said that in the spotlight of Todd’s affection, for the
ĕrst time she felt not just good enough, she felt extraordinary. It
wasn’t that she had ever felt neglected or deprived or unloved as a
child or in her earlier relationships. But Todd’s attention made her feel
alive in a new way. She loved the feeling.
Unfortunately, it was a feeling that came and went. Sometimes she
felt insecure in their relationship. Especially at basketball games and