The Choice

brought a young man with her. It was Todd. Elise was all smiles. Her
depression was over, she said. Todd had broken up with the other
woman and she and Todd had reconciled. She felt renewed. She could
see now that her neediness and insecurity had pushed him away. She
would try harder to trust in the relationship, to show him how
committed she was.
During the session, Todd looked impatient and bored, glancing at
the clock, shifting in his seat as though his legs were falling asleep.
“ere is no such thing as getting back together without a new
beginning. What’s the new relationship you want? What are you
willing to give up to get there?” I asked.
They stared at me.
“Let’s start with what you have in common. What do you love to do
together?”
Todd looked at the clock. Elise scooted closer to him.
“Here’s your homework,” I said. “I want you to each ĕnd one new
thing you like to do by yourself, and one new thing you like to do
together. It can’t be basketball or homework or sex. Do something fun
and get out of the familiar.”
Elise and Todd returned to my office occasionally over the next six
months. Sometimes Elise came alone. Her main focus continued to be
on preserving their relationship, but nothing she did was enough to
erase her insecurities and doubts. She wanted to feel better, but she
wasn’t yet willing to change. And Todd, when he came to the
appointments, seemed stuck too. He was getting everything he thought
he wanted—admiration, success, love (not to mention good grades)—
but he looked sad. He slumped, he receded. It was as if his self-respect
and self-confidence had atrophied because of his dependence on Elise.
Eventually, Elise and Todd’s visits tapered off, and I didn’t hear
from either of them for many months. And then one day I received
two graduation announcements. One was from Elise. She had ĕnished