Often our standards are not very clear in our consciousness,
and we question our behavior only in response to feelings of
guilt and shame. You might not be aware that your expectations
of yourself are unrealistically high. If you pretend to look at
yourself through the eyes of a compassionate friend, you might
not apply the same high standards. Perhaps you come from a
family or school experience that encouraged you to feel overly
responsible through blaming or finding fault whenever things
went wrong. Being super-responsible may have been seen as
an asset as you grew up. But the down side is that throughout
your life, even minor infractions, especially if noticed by some
authority figure (parents, teachers, employers, etc.), probably
instilled in you a sense of failure and diminished self-worth.
If the above scenario fits, then the reason you initially
developed an inner critic was to protect yourself from external
criticism. Now, however, whenever your behavior violates a
certain standard, you sink into a low state and feel guilty and
worthless.
Exercise 2: High Standards
Does the above description come close to your
experience? If so, write about your struggle with
high expectations of yourself.Negative Self-Image
Even in the most loving, supportive, and undemanding of fam-
ilies, parents and other relatives, like older siblings, are not per-
fect. Caretakers cannot be there for children all the time or give
them all their attention. With a newborn infant, for example,
the mother sometimes becomes overwhelmed, depressed, or
frustrated. The baby’s survival depends upon accommodation
to external circumstances, but at this stage it cannot distinguish
itself from its mother. Therefore, it internalizes its mother’s
emotional state and starts believing that there is something
wrong inside.
“Our most habitual and
compelling feelings and
thoughts define the core of
who we think we are.
If we are caught in the
trance of unworthiness,
we experience that core as
flawed.”
Tara BachBuilding Self-Esteem 99