contributes to our sense of guilt, especially in response to a cri-
sis in our life. “What did I do to cause this?” “I should have
done something to prevent this.” These are reasonable ques-
tions for adults to be asking. Whether or not they torment us
and undermine our sense of worth may depend upon how hon-
est we are with ourselves about the amount of control we really
have.
Exercise 4: Illusion of Control
Does this come close to your experience? If so,
write about how these thoughts relate to your own
history and struggle with trying to hold on to an
illusion of control or magical thinking.Other Influences
Parental neglect, rejection, alcoholism or drug abuse, as well as
physical and sexual abuse during childhood are some other rea-
sons for low self-esteem. In families plagued with such prob-
lems, children grow up feeling insecure, worthless, and lonely.
They develop a tendency toward self-rejection and self-sabo-
tage. Other factors that might lead to difficulties in developing
a basic sense of trust or security and confidence include
parental overprotectiveness and the experience of traumatic
loss. Even parental overindulgence can undermine the devel-
opment of healthy self-esteem. In such cases parents do not
provide enough exposure to deferred gratification, so the child
never learns to develop such capacities as initiating and sus-
taining effort or taking personal responsibility. As adults these
people experience insecurities because they feel weak in com-
parison to others, and life does not continue to provide what
they learned to expect during childhood. If we experienced one
or more of these influences, it is very likely that we can have
difficulties with intimate relationships in our adult life, which
interferes even more with a positive sense of ourselves.
“Self-esteem can be as
crucial to your physical
and mental well being as
nutrition, exercise, and
preventive medicine.”
Matthew McKayBuilding Self-Esteem 101