I deserve this pain because I made mistakesSuch thoughts can actually injure us emotionally if we
accept them. They can make us deeply depressed or anxious.
Therefore, we need to examine them, and if we find we hold
some version of these thought patterns, we must correct them.
But sometimes such distorted beliefs can be so deeply ingrained
in our worldview that we do not even know they are there. The
first step to changing them is to become fully aware of them.
One way to accomplish this is to look at the feedback you
are probably already receiving. Think back through your life
carefully. Perhaps friends have talked to you about this kind of
belief and told you it is distorted or simply untrue. Perhaps
your own intuition has given you similar messages.
The following is an exercise I sometimes give my clients to
assist them in examining ingrained negative beliefs about
themselves.
Exercise 1: Distorted Belief Cost-Benefit Analysis
If you find you hold a distorted, self-defeating belief
about yourself around your loss and would like to
learn how to let go of it, start by investigating its
advantages and disadvantages. Use this form to
guide you. If you find you have more than one
distorted belief, start with the most obvious, then
repeat the process for the others.
Name the distorted belief you want to change:Advantages of Disadvantages of
believing this: believing this:If you could have a healthy belief, it would be:“The soul is a perfect
judge of her own motions,
if your mind does not dic-
tate to her... The soul’s
deepest will is to preserve
its own integrity, against
the mind and the whole
mass of disintegrating
forces.”
D. H. LawrenceGrief and Transformation 115