Later I had to face several losses and disappointments. One
of the biggest challenges was a life-threatening, disabling ill-
ness. After a time, it became clear that I would live, but the
question still remained as to how I would live. I learned
through this shocking wake-up call that I could never take any-
thing for granted. All possibility of reaching the goals to which
I had previously aspired seemed to evaporate. Relationships
changed dramatically. My future suddenly appeared a com-
plete blank. It presented a frightening picture. The traumatic
nature of this ordeal made it hard to use the spiritual practices
that previously had helped me find inner peace. I was very
depressed and felt cut off from everyone around me as well as
from my true self. Even the solace of tears eluded me. I had
become emotionally paralyzed and could not even cry.
During this time certain kinds of movies seemed amaz-
ingly helpful, even transformative. I noticed with surprise that
I started crying uncontrollably whenever I saw films that
showed characters in tragic experiences. I made a point of
going to movie theaters by myself and sitting in the last row. In
the protective darkness of this environment all the blocked up
tears started flowing in response to watching the characters’
pain. I still recall vividly the strong cathartic effect of watching
the political and emotional drama The Unbearable Lightness of
Being (1988), and the portrayal of illness and death in Terms of
Endearment (1983). My catharsis felt emotionally liberating.
Surprisingly, I experienced these movies as comforting too
because they showed me that I wasn’t the only person who suf-
fered. Watching the characters’ hardships helped me put things
in perspective, and I recognized that I was comparatively well-
off. After several months I noticed that tears did not flow as
easily anymore in response to a touching film scene. It felt like
some inner pressure had been released and my focus shifted.
Intuitively I now began seeking out movies that helped
support a different aspect of my recovery. During this phase I
watched films in which a character faced almost bigger-than-
life challenges, suffered from repeated setbacks, prevailed over“In the dark time,
the eye begins to see.”
Theodore
Roethke12 E-Motion Picture Magic