H
ello, my name is Patrick,” says a man
whose name is probably not Patrick.
“I’m a representative of your energy
provider and I’m in your local area.
I wonder if I could take a few ...”
It’s tempting to stay on the line and
hand over my bank details to the man who is not called
Patrick. It can’t be much worse than whatever my actual
energy provider has in store. But I have to get off the
phone so Harriet can call “the Royal Mail” to pay a
delivery charge for a fake parcel she didn’t order. And
I’ve got three emails from “the Inland Revenue” asking
me to settle a tax bill I don’t owe. And my 81-year-old
father has just left a message saying his computer has a
virus but a nice man in Calcutta is on the phone to sort
it out. And it’s not even 9am.
“Sorry, Patrick, now’s not a good time. Why don’t
you give me your password and bank account
details and I’ll call you later?”
The man who isn’t called Patrick hangs up and I
blacklist his number.
I miss the good old days when the cousin of the
Nigerian emperor just needed 50 quid to pay a bank
transfer fee to collect $212 million he’d then give me
half of. Back then cousins of Nigerian emperors
couldn’t spell and their email addresses were silly. Now
it’s all different. The scammers are smart and relentless.
They’re called “Patrick”, they have plummy accents
and convincing phone numbers and official logos and
mirrored websites. They know, somehow, that you just
spoke to your actual energy provider, that you just
thought about changing your broadband and that your
first girlfriend’s mum’s name was Agatha Trunchbull.
The official advice is to hang up and report; to avoid
clicking and report, and so on. But none of this seems
to have much effect. The scammers have had quite
the pandemic: in its first year reports of scams jumped
by a third. More time, more targets, more angles.“Hello, this is Tristram calling about your Covid test.”
After so many close calls and a couple closer than
that, my own aged parents now live in a state of total
suspicion. I was going to say paranoia but it’s not
paranoia if everyone actually is out to get you, is it?
When I call I have to give them a safe word so they
know it’s definitely me.
What can be done? Last week MPs (once again)
called for action to tackle the “fraud epidemic”. The
government should consider making Big Tech liable
when we’re tricked on their platforms, they said. And
refunds should be mandatory in push-payment fraud
cases (where scam artists dupe people into transferring
money to them). Which is great in theory but what
would that mean in practice? Even more steps of
verification for us. Even more clicking on tiny traffic
lights. Even more This Is Your Life waterboarding just to
renew the car insurance. Those MPs also called for a new
law enforcement agency, which is more like it. I have
Patrick’s number (two of them, actually ... he just rang
on a slightly different one to discuss loft insulation).
Why not pay him a visit, officer?
While we wait — and it may be a while — for plod
to take an IT course, what can we do? Short of
disconnecting the phone and the internet and retiring
to a Faraday cage in the woods, here’s my plan.
Definitely don’t blow a whistle down the phone if
“Patrick” calls again (which he has by the way, slightly
different number again, medical insurance) because
that could damage “Patrick’s” hearing and would
probably be illegal.
Time-wasting, though, is fair game. “Patrick” is
looking for vulnerable targets. He doesn’t stick around
if you sound angry and busy. Make yourself comfortable,
channel your favourite great aunt, the one with the ear
trumpet, and tell him to hold on while you find your
hearing aid, deary. Then take it from there. My record is
15 minutes for “Andrew” from the “PPE compensation
fund”. Sorry, deary, did you say Cindy from the WWF
conservation fund? In a quarter of a tortuous hour, he
didn’t even get past what a lovely day I thought it was.
It’s not much, I know, but if everyone reading this
did that, then there would be a lot of actual great
aunties with ear trumpets not getting bothered by the
“Patricks”. And now I have to go. The phone’s ringing
again and I’m going for the record n
CHARLIE CLIFT FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES MAGAZINE @mattrudd
MATT RUDD
Time-wasting is fair
game. Tell him to hold
on while you find your
hearing aid, deary
How to deal with scammers
— a vigilante’s guide
When a man pretending to be an energy adviser calls, here’s what I do
The Sunday Times Magazine • 7Banca do Antfer
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