102 ■ FLOW
promises and the courtship rituals that now seem to be such indispens
able attributes of intimate relations were only invented in the late Mid
dle Ages by the troubadours who plied the castles of southern France,
and then, as the “sweet new style,” they were adopted by the affluent
classes in the rest of Europe. Romance—the rituals of wooing first
developed in the Romance region of southern France—provides an
entire new range of challenges to lovers. For those who learn the skills
necessary to meet them, it becomes not only pleasurable, but enjoyable
as well.
A similar refinement of sexuality took place in other civilizations,
and roughly in the same not-too-distant past. The Japanese created
extremely sophisticated professionals of love, expecting their geishas to
be accomplished musicians, dancers, actresses, as well as appreciative of
poetry and art. Chinese and Indian courtesans and Turkish odalisques
were equally skillful. Regrettably this professionalism, while developing
the potential complexity of sex to great heights, did little to improve
directly the quality of experience for most people. Historically, romance
seems to have been restricted to youth and to those who had the time
and the money to indulge in it; the vast majority in any culture appear
to have had a very humdrum sex life. “Decent” people the world over
do not spend too much energy on the task of sexual reproduction, or
on the practices that have been built on it. Romance resembles sports
in this respect as well: instead of doing it personally, most people are
content to hear about it or watch a few experts perform it.
A third dimension of sexuality begins to emerge when in addition
to physical pleasure and the enjoyment of a romantic relationship the
lover feels genuine care for his partner. There are then new challenges
one discovers: to enjoy the partner as a unique person, to understand
her, and to help her fulfill her goals. With the emergence of this third
dimension sexuality becomes a very complex process, one that can go
on providing flow experiences all through life.
At first it is very easy to obtain pleasure from sex, and even to
enjoy it. Any fool can fall in love when young. The first date, the first
kiss, the first intercourse all present heady new challenges that keep the
young person in flow for weeks on end. But for many this ecstatic state
occurs only once; after the “first love” all later relationships are no
longer as exciting. It is especially difficult to keep enjoying sex with the
same partner over a period of years. It is probably true that humans, like
the majority of mammalian species, are not monogamous by nature. It
is impossible for partners not to grow bored unless they work to discover
new challenges in each other’s company, and learn appropriate skills for