8

ENJOYING SOLITUDE

AND OTHER PEOPLE

Studies on flow have demonstrated repeatedly that more than any­
thing else, the quality of life depends on two factors: how we experience
work, and our relations with other people. The most detailed informa­
tion about who we are as individuals comes from those we communicate
with, and from the way we accomplish our jobs. Our self is largely
defined by what happens in those two contexts, as Freud recognized in
his prescription of “love and work” for happiness. The last chapter
reviewed some of the flow potentials of work; here we will explore
relationships with family and friends, to determine how they can
become the source of enjoyable experiences.
Whether we are in the company of other people or not makes a
great difference to the quality of experience. We are biologically pro­
grammed to find other human beings the most important objects in the
world. Because they can make life either very interesting and fulfilling
or utterly miserable, how we manage relationships with them makes an
enormous difference to our happiness. If we learn to make our relations
with others more like flow experiences, our quality of life as a whole is
going to be much improved.
On the other hand, we also value privacy and often wish to be left
alone. Yet it frequently turns out that as soon as we are, we begin to
grow depressed. It is typical for people in this situation to feel lonely,
to feel that there is no challenge, there is nothing to do. For some,

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