168 ■ FLOWthe potential to be transformed by redefining its rules. By not taking on
the role of the “victim” that had been imposed on him, and by not
treating his assailants as “robbers,” but as reasonable people who might
be expected to empathize with a son’s attachment to a family keepsake,
Mark was able to change the encounter from a holdup to one that
involved, at least to some degree, a rational democratic decision. In this
case his success was largely dependent on luck: the robbers could have
been drunk, or alienated beyond the reach of reason, and then he might
have been seriously hurt. But the point is still valid: human relations are
malleable, and if a person has the appropriate skills their rules can be
transformed.
But before considering in more depth how relationships can be
reshaped to provide optimal experiences, it is necessary to take a detour
through the realms of solitude. Only after understanding a bit better
how being alone affects the mind can we see more clearly why compan
ionship is so indispensable to well-being. The average adult spends
about one-third of his or her waking time alone, yet we know very little
about this huge slice of our lives, except that we heartily dislike it.
The Pain of Loneliness
Most people feel a nearly intolerable sense of emptiness when they are
alone, especially with nothing specific to do. Adolescents, adults, and
old people all report that their worst experiences have taken place in
solitude. Almost every activity is more enjoyable with another person
around, and less so when one does it alone. People are more happy,
alert, and cheerful if there are others present, compared to how they feel
alone, whether they are working on an assembly line or watching televi
sion. But the most depressing condition is not that of working or watch
ing TV alone; the worst moods are reported when one is alone and there
is nothing that needs to be done. For people in our studies who live by
themselves and do not attend church, Sunday mornings are the lowest
part of the week, because with no demands on attention, they are unable
to decide what to do. The rest of the week psychic energy is directed by
external routines: work, shopping, favorite TV shows, and so on. But
what is one to do Sunday morning after breakfast, after having browsed
through the papers? For many, the lack of structure of those hours is
devastating. Generally by noon a decision is made: I’ll mow the lawn,
visit relatives, or watch the football game. A sense of purpose then
returns, and attention is focused on the next goal.
Why is solitude such a negative experience? The bottom-line an