184 • FLOWthey may turn to redundant partying, joyriding, malicious gossiping, or
drugs and narcissistic introspection to prove to themselves that they are
alive. Consciously or not, many young girls feel that becoming pregnant
is the only really adult thing they can do, despite its dangers and unpleas
ant consequences. How to restructure such an environment so as to
make it sufficiently challenging is certainly one of the most pressing tasks
parents of teenagers face. And it is of no value simply to tell one’s
strapping adolescent children to shape up and do something useful.
What does help are living examples and concrete opportunities. If these
are not available, one cannot blame the young for taking their own
counsel.
Some of the tensions of teenage life can be eased if the family
provides a sense of acceptance, control, and self-confidence to the ado
lescent. A relationship that has these dimensions is one in which people
trust one another, and feel totally accepted. One does not have to worry
constantly about being liked, being popular, or living up to others’
expectations. As the popular sayings go, “Love means never having to
say ‘I’m sorry,’ ” “Home is where you’re always welcome.” Being assured
of one’s worth in the eyes of one’s kin gives a person the strength to
take chances; excessive conformity is usually caused by fear of disap
proval. It is much easier for a person to try developing her potential if
she knows that no matter what happens, she has a safe emotional base
in the family.
Unconditional acceptance is especially important to children. If
parents threaten to withdraw their love from a child when he fails to
measure up, the child’s natural playfulness will be gradually replaced by
chronic anxiety. However, if the child feels that his parents are uncondi
tionally committed to his welfare, he can then relax and explore the
world without fear; otherwise he has to allocate psychic energy to his
own protection, thereby reducing the amount he can freely dispose of.
Early emotional security may well be one of the conditions that helps
develop an autotelic personality in children. Without this, it is difficult
to let go of the self long enough to experience flow.
Love without strings attached does not mean, of course, that
relationships should have no standards, no punishment for breaking the
rules. When there is no risk attached to transgressing rules they become
meaningless, and without meaningful rules an activity cannot be enjoy
able. Children must know that parents expect certain things from them,
and that specific consequences will follow if they don’t obey. But they
must also recognize that no matter what happens, the parents’ concern
for them is not in question.