the times | Wednesday February 16 2022 9arts
The Interpretation of Dreams
by Sigmund Freud
1 Dreams always aim to fulfil our
deepest desires, but often
camouflage them.
2 The content of your dreams can
originate from childhood memories,
recent events or bodily stimuli.
3 Dreams are complex constructions
of the mind that purposely displace
content and rearrange it.A Brief History of Time
by Stephen Hawking
1 The general theory of relativity
changed the way we conceive of
space and time.
2 Hubble’s redshift discovery proved
that the universe is expanding.
3 Time can most likely only move
forward, for three reasons.Capital in the
Twenty-First Century
by Thomas Piketty
1 The modern economy is founded
on the principle of infinite
accumulation of capital.
2 Fairytales about capitalism have
not been borne out by history.
3 The economy can’t self-regulate
and there are no spontaneous
processes to prevent inequality.Becoming
by Michelle Obama
1 Regardless of the changes in your
world, you can strive to be your best
and learn.
2 Ignore people who tell you what
they think you can’t be, and push
yourself to excel.
3 Don’t be afraid to try new things,
even if you live in the White House.And Away...
by Bob Mortimer
1 In every great double act there’s
always a leader.
2 Sometimes it takes a brush with
mortality to open new vistas.
3 The truth is often a good deal
stranger than fiction.The Republic
by Plato
1 You can’t say what’s just only for
an individual or city — you have to
look at both.
2 Cities, as well as human souls,
can be divided into the same three
distinct parts.
3 Being a philosopher and teaching
others justice is like trying to pull
people out of a cave.She Comes First
by Ian Kerner
1 Not all paths to sexual climax
are equal.
2 The clitoris, its location and how
to stimulate it are the key to the
best sex of your life.
3 Don’t just think of sex in terms
of foreplay and then
intercourse, but foreplay,
coreplay, moreplay.The Tipping Point
by Malcolm Gladwell
1 An idea spreads like fire once it
reaches the tipping point.
2 Three kinds of people are
responsible for getting ideas to tip.
3 If an idea isn’t sticky, it’ll never tip.Reasons to Stay Alive
by Matt Haig
1 Get out of your own head by
doing some reading.
2 Even some of the greatest
leaders in the world have
experienced mental illness,
which does have some benefits.
3 Recovery is possible, but won’t
be as clear a path as you think.Long Walk to Freedom
by Nelson Mandela
1 Education holds the key to freedom.
2 The only way to be remembered
is to learn to challenge authority.
3 The most important time to
practise is after your biggest loss.More Than a Woman
by Caitlin Moran
1 Modern feminism is both complex
and simple.
2 Parenting teens means learning
to step back.
3 On balance, joy wins out.12 Rules for Life
by Jordan B Peterson
1 For a healthy psyche you must try
to cultivate faith in being.
2 Morality beats pleasure.
3 We build things up, then they
fall apart.Thinking, Fast and Slow
by Daniel Kahneman
1 Our behaviours are governed by
two systems of thinking.
2 Our beliefs are structured by
memory and narrative sense-making.
3 Our two systems of thought
produce two entwined selves.Fear: Trump in the
White House
by Bob Woodward
1 Trump struggled to see the
advantages of a relationship
with South Korea.
2 For Trump, even countless
pages of data couldn’t prove
the benefits of free trade.
3 He refers to Twitter as his
“megaphone” to speak to the public.Manifesto
by Bernardine Evaristo
1 The prospects for black, female
and non-binary writers were very
different in previous decades.
2 A high-profile prize doesn’t change
you. It enables you.
3 Maintaining a positive mental
attitude really can be self-fulfilling.This Is Going to Hurt
by Adam Kay
1 NHS doctors are overworked and
underpaid, which takes a toll on
their personal lives.
2 Despite the working conditions,
Kay saw being a doctor as the most
fulfilling profession in the world.
3 A tragic accident during a
C-section caused Kay to leave the
field of medicine for good.actually reading)
16 big books
‘uptimed’ into
3 key points
Adam KayCaitlin Moranfamous painting Saturn Devouring
His Son? The romantic painter didn’t
have a problem with painting familial
cannibalism so would have been
unlikely to be bothered by taste issues
in shop merchandise.
Everyone loves Frida Kahlo tat.
I bought a colourful Frida coffee
container from the Baltic’s gift shop
recently. But the Courtauld can
do better. The Mexican artist
was in a bus accident
when she was 18,
which left her in
pain for the rest of
her life. This led
to her wearing
various
corsets to
support her
spine, made
in materials
such as
steel, leather
and plaster,
which she
adorned with plumed birds and
hammers and sickles. I’d bring in
Vivienne Westwood or Dita Von Teese
for a collaboration with the hard sell:
“Restrict your breathing in style!”
As well as suffering from
osteoarthritis and poor eyesight, poor
Michelangelo was diagnosed and
treated for nephrolithiasis, or kidney
stones, in 1549, something he suffered
from for the rest of his life. Perhaps
as an addition to crayon corner, a
bag of “Michelangelo’s marbles” in
the shape of the hard, painful
mineral-and-salt deposits, for
ailment-based old-fashioned fun?
Lastly, many artists have, of course,
been slaves to the bottle. Jackson
Pollock, for one, died in an alcohol-
related car accident. Perhaps a
non-alcoholic cordial with abstract
paint flicks as a repetitive motif on the
label? It would send the right message
and make a change from those truly
tasteless Monet fridge magnets.T
he Courtauld
Gallery,
which is
hosting a
five-star
show of Van Gogh’s
self-portraits, has
pulled the amusing
severed-ear rubber (£6)
from its online shop —
it’s out on its ear! It has
been literally erased!
— after criticism from
mental health
advocates and a
little-known stuckist
artist whose sense of
humour was
apparently hacked
off on his way to
the studio.
Also rejected on
grounds of taste:
a soap for “the
tortured artist
who enjoys fluffy
bubbles”. Under
scrutiny, but still on the shelves at
the time of going to press, is a £16
“emotional first-aid kit” said to be
“a box of wise emergency advice for
20 key psychological situations”.
Rumours that the Courtauld’s product
designer has been plundering it for
advice are unconfirmed.
I am one of the lucky owners of the
redacted rubber in the shape of VG’s
lobe, given to me as a gift by a man
of great taste (and two ears). While
I’ve been watching its
value soar on eBay
(will it make £7.23
by the day’s
end?), I have
been devising
more edgy
merchandise to
sell in the shop of
my favourite gallery.
It will provide the
strong flavour that great art
demands, sitting alongside the
blander Jack Vettrianos of the
art-merch world such as matching
Fair Isle Bloomsbury-style berets
and scarves, and colouring books for
grandmothers to buy for their
grandchildren, which will be ignored
by the ungrateful children until they
need a flat surface to roll spliffs on.
First up: how about a Goya-inspired
hydraulic robot arm? The artist was
thought to be syphilitic, and as well as
suffering neurological problems he
experienced lack of movement on his
right side, including paralysis in his
arm and hand. The Spanish artist also
suffered from deafness: extra-loud
AirPods with a charging case
imprinted with the image of hisI’ve got Van Gogh’s ear!
Want something edgy from the
gift shop? Ask Alex O’Connell
How about a
Goya-inspired
hydraulic
robot arm?
One of the Courtauld’s Van Gogh self-
portraits. Below: its ear-shaped rubber