f you are confused about parties in the
light of reports into Downing Street
culture, then you are not alone. Since
the start of partygate not a day has
gone by without us discovering a new
variety of social gathering (Abba Party,
Cake Ambush Party). Questions are
being asked about how exactly these
parties differ from each other and how
many party categories there might be
in 2022. A lot more than we’d imagined,
that’s for sure. Evidently the times call for
a new party glossary, so here goes.ABBA PARTY
Urgh. We thought nothing could put us off
Abba but the news about the Abba Party in
the flat in Downing Street, allegedly thrown
by Carrie to celebrate the defenestration of
Dominic Cummings, may just have put a hex
on The Winner Takes it All. Henceforth, very
sadly for British Abba fans, an Abba Party
will be shorthand for a gathering of entitled
hairband-wearers. You know how Hi Ho Silver
Lining became an anthem for a certain sort of
Sloane? Well TWTIA, plus Daylesford nibbles,
lashings of Moët, jazzy soft furnishings and
maybe a dog with a Union Jack kerchief is
the 2022 equivalent.CAKE AMBUSH PARTY
Oh God, we’ve all had one of these,
surely? You’re just minding your own
business and shazam! There’s your
partner and several of your
partner’s friends in a room
in your house, with a
cake. Not to be confused
with an actual surprise
party (because you’re
not really surprised), a
Cake Ambush Party is
a party that has been
organised on yourbehalf without your approval and which you
would never in a million years have dreamt
of having, and don’t particularly want, for
any number of reasons. Delete as appropriate:
because you’re not five years old/because
you’re busy/because it’s forbidden/because
you’re on a diet and you need an early night/
because who wants to have a party in the
middle of the afternoon (a five-year-old)/because you honestly could not care less
about the people there and some of them you
don’t even recognise/because you are having
an actual birthday bash later on that day so
the Cake Ambush Party just seems like one
too many parties.SURPRISE PARTY
This one really is a surprise to the person
in whose honour it’s being given – and high
risk, in our experience. Once we threw a
surprise party for our parents and our mother
took it as a hostile act (party ambush) and
disappeared upstairs. In retrospect the mistake
was not coming up with a fake reason for her
to scrub up a bit (do her hair), but it’s true that
some people – and you can never quite tell
who they are – just don’t like surprise parties.
The whole lights off, dark house, take off coat
in hall, shuffle through and “Blam! Lights!
Surprise!” strikes them as a bit scary and OTT.
Why not just say, “I’ve asked a few people
over later,” and then make it more than a few,
including some who don’t live in the same
postcode? Why not say, “I’ve booked us dinner
at the Wolseley, so...” (On second thoughts
don’t do that, because nine out of ten women
would rather have dinner at the Wolseley than
a surprise party in their kitchen.)REGULAR WORK PARTY
This can go either way. It might be Freixenet
in paper cups and Twiglets round the
photocopier or it might turn into something a
bit more spicy involving suitcases full of drink.
Especially if it’s a significant leaving party.LEAVING PARTY
One of the 16 Downing Street parties itemised
by Sue Gray involved the “departure of No 10
private secretary” Hannah Young. On this
occasion we know around 20 people attended
and alcohol was drunk. Also a government
source claimed that this same leaving partyTHINGS NOT TO SAY
AT PA RT I E S
X Such a pity you couldn’t have had
this in August.
X Well done you for slimming this down.
X We couldn’t get half the people we
wanted – they were all busy – but lovely
you could make it.
X Are you expecting us?
X Do you have something a bit
less sweet?
X Do you have something colder?
X We have three at home with Covid.
X If Mike disappears it’s because he’s
got norovirus.
X Can you check if my ex is inside?
X Does Jane know you’re smoking
again?
X Oooh, what happened to your face?
X God, who are you meant to be?
X I’ll have to leave if Mark’s coming. Can
you tell me when he arrives?
X You need to trim these and then put
them in water straight away.
X I can’t believe you’ve still got
this kitchen.
X Does any of this not have garlic in it?
X Come and sit down and I’ll show you
our Vietnam pictures.The NEW
PARTY GUIDELINES
(usual Downing Street exemptions apply)
Shane Watson’s essential
rules for socialising
I
GETTY IMAGES, ALAMY, ANNA DABROWSKA/THE LICENSING PROJECT, SHUTTERSTOCK