The Times Magazine 51had been “raucous” (although someone else
denied this), so now we know that a raucous
party is a leaving party with knobs on. Not
merely the standard handing over of a card
signed by everyone in the building plus a
whip-round present, paper cups of warm
cava and a very brief speech, but a party at
which people stick around a lot longer than
they need to and get rowdy.A RAUCOUS PARTY
See above – one on from a regular work-
related party and definitely more of a messy
bash. On the partyometer, if zero is “nothing
to see here”, one is a small, practically
alcohol-free daytime gathering and two
is a Cake Ambush, a Raucous Party is in the
red zone – probably a six. Seven would be
a Surprisingly Good Party, eight would be
a Really Good Party and nine would be a
Wild Party (see below for further details).
A Raucous Party has the whiff of shouty
grown-ups at the end of the working day,
flirting and getting red-faced, with none of
the Gatsby fairy dust or the props necessary
to call it a Good Party.A SURPRISINGLY GOOD PARTY
A party at which good fun is had when you
are not really expecting it, usually because it’s
midweek and zero effort has been expended
on the planning of it, but somehow everyone
is on good form on the night and there’s 2am
kitchen dancing and a visit from the
neighbours. Not bad!A REALLY GOOD PARTY
A party where a lot of fun is had and boats
have been pushed out by the hosts. The party
where Liz Hurley was faux wrestling on the
floor in a Supergirl outfit with someone fit
dressed as Superman had all the hallmarks
of a Really Good Party: glamour, high jinks,
enough drink taken to make you writhe about
on the floor as if you just don’t care, superhero
outfits, celebrities. You don’t need all these
for a Really Good Party, but you will need
three out of five.A WILD PARTY
A Really Good Party plus-plus. Typically it
will carry on well into the next day – see Kate
Moss’s birthday parties back in the day, which
generally lasted 36 hours minimum, always
involved dressing up and lavish hotel suites,
and generated mind-boggling sex, drugs and
rock’n’roll rumours that made Led Zeppelin
look like choirboys.THE 50th or 60th BIRTHDAY PARTY
Lot riding on this in the sense that Mrs 50th
or 60th and Mr 50th/60th are hell-bent on
demonstrating they’ve still got it and thatlike the refunded theatre ticket or the present
that was not quite the right size and had to be
swapped, the go-again party is not the same.
We don’t want to overdo this. If you have a
rearranged 50th looming on the near horizon
don’t feel bad – just be aware that you’ll need
shots at the door.PRIVATE PARTY
We think this may be a euphemism in the
context of pole-dancing clubs, but generally
speaking a Private Party is exactly what it says
on the tin. A not-private party, for example,
would be an end-of-the-week catch-up/leaving
do/get to know the incoming private
secretary... Downing Street party.AFTER-PARTY
This is the party that the people who have
Really Made It get asked to, while the merely
Made Its think it’s all happening at the earlier,
main party in the roped-off section at the
back. After the Oscars there will be the Vanity
Fair party and after that the After-Party at
some secret location. Or maybe that’s a decoy
and there’s an After-After-Party. Maybe not.POOL PARTY
Happens in LA in films when stuff is spiralling
out of control and hedonism is the name of
the game. Crooks, mafia bosses, porn stars,
paranoid actors, drug dealers, the fraudster
in Catch Me If You Can – they all have pool
parties. Normal UK-based civilians have never
been to a pool party although they have
sometimes been to a poolside barbecue,
which is not the same.GARDEN PARTY
If this is thrown by the Queen it’s huge and
involves tea. Otherwise a garden party might
feature colleagues who work in a building
with a garden, gathering as you might in a
boardroom, if that were allowed, and with
enough wine to fill a suitcase. Or it could be
drinks and nibbles on someone’s private lawn.
What distinguishes a Garden Party from a
regular Drinks Party is principally footwear
(no heels).A SMALL PARTY
This is either a party you haven’t been asked to,
as in, “Oh! No, that was just a small party, for
locals,” or an enticement to attend suggesting
exclusivity, not too much effort and not too
many strangers: the opposite of a bunfight.A VERY SMALL PARTY
Definitely one you haven’t been asked to. NB:
a party requires probably 18 people minimum,
otherwise it’s beginning to feel a lot like a
Drinks or Dinner Party. (See “When does a
party count as a party?”) nWHEN DOES A PARTY
COUNT AS A PARTY?
X When there are 18 or more people in
a room with alcohol.
X When the music volume gets cranked
up to 7.
X When there is dancing (not essential).
X When noise levels – conversation and
music – exceed those at which you could
carry on a phone conversation.
X When the dog vanishes upstairs (dogs
are the canaries in coalmines of parties).
X When there is hammering on the door
every few minutes.
X When you don’t recognise some of the
people in attendance.
X When no one is sitting down.
X When you have to turn off the heating.
X When there is a drink-related breakage.
X When someone ends up on the floor
(alcohol spillage is blamed; it’s possible).
X When there’s a run on crisps but
no one’s eating the food.
X When the DJ asks to be relieved on
the grounds of harassment.
X When the clock says 3am but for some
reason no one takes it seriously.means (probably) a fancy-dress theme
requiring body-flashing of some kind (it’s not
going to be “come as your favourite vegetable
or US president”, that’s for sure). There may
be catsuits, there might be a set dance routine,
there will be speeches. These parties have got
much, much bigger.THE REARRANGED PARTY
The Rearranged Party, ie a party that was
cancelled on account of the virus and then
reconvened at a later date, is for some reason
never quite as good as the original would have
GETTY IMAGES been. No idea why this should be the case but,