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Chapter 5

This chapter has explored the

varieties of love,the difficulties of

defining love,and the theories of mate

selection.The ancient Greeks used four

words (eros,philia,storge,andagape) to

describe different aspects of love.

Although terms are different,we

continue to define love types in

essentially the same way today.

Because of the elusiveness of a

definition of love,its place in mate

selection is subject to different theories

of mate selection.Psychodynamic theory

suggests an unconscious component to

mate selection,one which is largely

determined by our parents and our

childhood experiences.Exchange

theories view relationship formations

from a more utilitarian framework,

having to do with the balance between

what we are putting into a relationship

versus what we are getting out of it.

Stage theories look at relationship

formation from a developmental

perspective,noting progression though

particular stages of a developing

relationship.

Whilethesetheoriesseem tohold

someexplanation for mateselection,the

roleof romantic love—what wethink of

asthemain reason for choosinga mate—

isgiven littleattention.It isimportant to

seetheinterconnection between

intimacy,passion,andcommitment.New

research on brain chemistry confirms

what wehavelongthought tobetrue:

Peoplearechangedby theexperienceof

fallingin love.Thus,it iseasier to

understandhoweasy it istomakehasty,

rash decisionsabout thechoiceof a mate.

Christians stress the importance of

relying on God and their loved ones to

confirm their decisions about

Summary

they have not thought to discuss,or that

are difficult for them to discuss.(see

http://www.lifeinnovations.com {accessed June

23,2009} or http://foccusinc.com

{accessed June 23,2009} for more

information on premarital inventories.)

Several recent articles have indicated

that counseling can be damaging to a

marriage,since only about 17% of

counselors are marriage and family

therapists who have been trained to

work with couples.Those seeking

premarital or marital counseling should

carefully investigate the qualifications of

the counselors before committing to

therapy.A list of certified marriage and

family therapists can be found at the

AmericanAssociation for Marriage and

Family Therapy website at

http://aamft.org.