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Marriage and Family Life: The EarlyYears

Couplesareexpectedtomakeitontheir

own,bothpracticallyandemotionally.

Whilefamilyandfriendsarelikelywilling

tohelp,newcouplesareunlikelytoask.

Thegreedof marriagecausescouplesto

turninward,pushingasideother

relationships.Sidebar6.1isanexampleof

howonecouplemanagedtomaintaintheir

emotionalconnectionevenwhenapartfor

aperiodof time.

Some couples work hard to avoid this

phenomenon by reserving one night a

week for separate activities with their

friends.Sometimes this involves a“guys’

night out”and a“girls’night out.”But

often they find they have less in common

with their single friends.Many healthy

couples find themselves in new friendships

with other married couples.“His

friends/her friends”thinking begins to

fade and is replaced by“our friends.”

Friends become ‘our’ friends rather than his

friends and her friends.

SIDEBAR6.1

Tales from a Commuter Marriage

Both our careers were important—and we both

had difficulty finding meaningful work.When I

gotanexcitingoffer150milesawayfromthecity

in which he owned a business,we had to make a

choice.Wehadbeenmarriedfor4yearsandhad

no children. We had a stable marriage, so the

choice was easy. I would “try out” the new

opportunity, and we would see one another on

weekends and on vacations. I got an apartment

andmovedinalittlefurniture.Weekendstogether

were very romantic. In our long daily phone

conversations, we seemed to talk more than we

ever did while we lived together.We missed each

other, but loved our work, so, overall, we were

happy.AfterayearIwassurethisjobwasrightfor

me,sowesoldthehouseandpurchasedahomein

thenewcity.Nowhewastheonetoliveinsmaller

quarters, but he didn’t seem to mind. I was glad

to move all my things into our new house and

begantofeelmoreathome.Hewouldjoinmeon

weekends. I would go to his place for vacations.

Thiscontinuedfor4yearsuntilwecommittedto

starting a family. We agreed to move back

together—but how? Whose career would be

sacrificed? Since he owned his own business, he

had more freedom to be an “absentee owner.”

Together with our new baby, we would travel to

his business every weekend. But his business

began to require more and more of his presence,

soafewmonthsafterthebabywasborn,hebegan

to spend 3 days a week away from home. Then,

more and more—until we were once again a

commuting couple.It had become an option for

us,anditwastooeasytogiveintothetemptation

toputcareerbeforefamily.Nowafter8yearsof a

commuter marriage, we are happily together

again. I love my career... he often likes his job.

But we both love one another and have a very

strong marriage. Those years apart taught us to

trulycherishthetimewehavetogether.

—Anonymous

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