Chapter 6
Familyrelationshipstakeonanew
dynamic,aseachmarriagepartner’sfamily
circleincreasestoincludethespouse’s
family.“Youdon’tmarrythefamily”maybe
afamiliaradage,butitisessentially
incorrect.Whileadatingcoupleoften
operatesveryindependentlyof family(at
leastinAmerica),thischangesoncethey
marry.Coupleswhoisolatethemselvesfrom
theirextendedfamiliesmayencounter
unduestressandproblemsintheirmarriage
relationship.Evenif shedoesn’tlikehis
family,sheshouldnottrytotearhimaway
fromthem.Evenif hecan’trelatetoher
family,heshouldnotkeepherfrom
maintaininghertiestothem.Spousesneed
toacceptthedistincthabits,traditions,and
customsof thefamilyintowhichtheyhave
married.Thesefamilytraditionsmayseem
verystrangetothenewfamilymember,but
theymustberespected—if notembraced.
Marriagealsochangesthenatureof the
relationshiptoaspouse’sownfamily.A
marriedpersontakesontheidentityof an
adultwhohaspersonalresponsibilityapart
fromtheparents.Thisisreferredto
asdifferentiation.Parentsandadult
childrenwilltakeonaslightly
differentrelationship,asthey
balancetheongoingtensions
betweenseparationand
connectedness(Sabatelli&Bartle-
Haring,2003).Whileparentsoften
becomeimportantconsultantsfor
thenewlymarriedcouple,problems
canarisewhenparentsbecometoo
involvedinthecouple’srelationship.
Successfulmarriagesincludeanemotional
separationfromtheparentsandfamiliesof
childhood(Sabatelli&Bartle-Haring,2003).
Parentscanprovidesupportbyempowering
thenewlymarriedcoupletobecome
financiallyandemotionallyindependent.
Thecouplemustbecomedifferentiatedfrom
theirfamiliesoforigin.“Thisexplainswhya
manleaveshisfatherandmotherandis
joinedtohiswife,andthetwoareunited
intoone”(Genesis2:24).
Someimportantnegotiationsneedto
takeplaceregardingin-lawrelationships.
Sincethecouplemustdividetimebetween
twofamilies,lesstimewillbeavailablefor
familyget-togethers.Wheredoesthenew
couplespendtheirfirstThanksgiving?Their
firstChristmas?Theirbirthdays?Sometimes,
negotiatingtheseissueswithextendedfamily
cangoalongwaytowardpromotinggood
familyrelations.Developingeffective
patternsofcommunicationwithextended
familyintheearlyyearsofmarriagecanset
thestageforstablerelationshipsinthefuture.Couples have to divide their time between two extended
families for family get-togethers and holidays.©iStockphoto.com/RonTech2000