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Chapter 6

Thissectionwillreviewsomeofthe
commonpatternsofmarriagerelationships,
assuggestedbyHetheringtonandKelly
(2002):traditional,cohesive-individuated,
pursuer-distancer,disengagedandoperatic.
Thesemarriagestylesormodelsareclosely
tiedtothewaycouplesexpressemotions,
solveproblems,communicate,andassume
familytasks.Itisimportanttoremember
that,inanymarriage,youmayseedifferent
aspectsofmorethanonemodel,butcouples
tendtofitintooneparticularmodelmore
thantheothers.Thefirstthreetypescarrya
highriskofdivorce,whilethelasttwo
endurebecausetheneedsofbothspouses
arebeingmet.
HetheringtonandKelly(2002),along
withmanyothermaritalresearchers,view
marriageasinvestinginanemotionalbank
account.Coupleswhomakemore
withdrawalsthandepositsareatanincreased
riskofdivorce.Gottman(1995,1999,2001),
well-renownedrelationshipresearcher,
studieshowpeopleinteractwitheachother
andhasdiscoveredthathappycouplesmake
abidforemotionalconnection100timesin
10minutes.Thesebidsarethefundamental
unitsofemotionalconnection.Bidscanbea
question,agesture,alook,atouchorany
singleexpressionwhichsays,“Iwanttofeel
connectedtoyou.”Happycouplesexperience
20positiveresponsestothesebidsforevery
onenegativeresponse.Inconflictedcouples,
thisisreducedto5to1positivetonegative
andinsoon-to-divorcecouplesitisonly0.8
to1(Gottman,1995,1999).

Pursuer-Distancer Marriage

Thepursuer-distancermarriageisthe

mostcommonandalsothemostdivorce

pronebecauseitcombinestwoconflicting

typesofresponses.Accordingto

HetheringtonandKelly(2002),thewomanis

thepursuer80%ofthetime.Longingfor

communicationandintimacy,sheiseagerto

confrontanddiscussproblemsandfeelings.

Whensheapproachesherhusband,he,

preferringtoavoidconfrontation,does

everythinghecantoavoidtheinteraction.In

thistypeofrelationship,ifthepursueris

persistentinmakingbidsforconnection,the

distancerbecomesincreasinglyanxiousuntil

theywithdrawfromtheinteractioneither

physically,emotionally,orboth.Especiallyfor

men,thismaybeusedasasafetyvalvewhen

feelingoverwhelmedandfloodedwiththe

physiologicalchanges(increasedblood

pressureandheartrate)commoninmarital

disagreements.

UsingGottman’sresearch,youcansee

hownegativethistypeof patternina

marriageis.Shemakesabidandhe

respondsnegativelytoitsoastoavoidthe

interaction.Eventuallytheemotionalbank

accountwilloverdraft.Accordingto

Gottman(1999,2001),atthispoint,either

thedistancergetsangryatthenagging,or

morelikely,thepursuerbecomes

contemptuousandwithdraws.Despitethe

factthedistancerwantsthenaggingtostop,

theyaretotallyunpreparedforthecold

contempttheyencounterintheirspouse.