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Marriage and Family Life: The EarlyYears

Gottmanhasfoundpursuer-distancer
strategiesarepersistentandwillbeusedin
asecondmarriageif asimilarmarital
mismatchoccurs.Itisinterestingtonote
that,if bothpartnersarepursuers,their
marriagemaybeintenseattimesbutitwill
bestable.Likewise,if bothspousesare
distancers,theymayneverresolveanything,
buttheytoocanformastablerelationship.

Disengaged Marriage

Thedisengaged marriagehas a high
failure rate second only to pursuer-
distancer marriages.In this type of
marriage,it is not so much about the
spouses’differences but about their
similarities.This type of marriage,
according to Hetherington and Kelly
(2002),is a union between two people
who are each self-sufficient or either fear,
or do not need,intimacy for their sense of
well-being.This can result when two
people either can’t make appropriate bids
or respond appropriately to bids from
their partner (Gottman & DeClaire,2001).
These may be marriages of convenience in
which the couple desires children or the
stability and assistance which marriage
provides without the intimacy or
companionship.Disengaged marriages
can also result when sexual or romantic
attraction is the basis for the marriage but
then fades.These couples have little in
common,such as backgrounds,shared
interests,or life goals,which are the

building blocks of successful marriages

(Hetherington & Kelly,2002).

Disengaged couples often don’t really

need each other so their marriage may last

for several years.According to

Hetherington and Kelly (2002),when the

couple is in their 30s or 40s,they begin to

wonder if this is all there is to marriage.As

they drift apart,there is usually little

emotion at the prospects of divorce.If

they can find someone who shares their

interests,and learn ways to emotionally

connect,they may be successful in a

second marriage.Often they have

personality problems which prevent them

from connecting with another person and

they become what Hetherington and Kelly

refer to as a“competent loner.”

Operatic Marriage

Operatic marriagesare full of intense

emotion.These couples fight viciously,

which leads to passionate lovemaking.

These marriages tend to be between a

sensation-seeking operatic man and an

emotionally volatile woman.These are

coupleswhofindcalm,placidrelationships

boring.Hetherington and Kelly (2002)

found these couples to be the most

sexually satisfied of all the marital types.

They note,however,couples can lose the

ability to distinguish the arousal caused by

sex and the arousal caused by anger when

their fightingissofuriousandfrequent.