Marriage and Family Life: The ParentingYearsthe family of his or her childhood and
establishes a new family.A differentiated
person is someone whose emotional
process is no longer dependent on others,
especially parents,even in the actual
presence of parents.Differentiated
persons are able to live and function
without undue anxiety or
overdependence on others.
Differentiation is a lifelong process,one
we never completely finish.
The Marital Relationship.Conflict can
arise regarding how the couple will
maintain their marital relationship.If
they pour all their energy into parenting
and family,their relationship will suffer.If
they neglect their child in favor of their
relationship,their child will suffer.
Remember the two mischievous children
inMary Poppins? Father worked all day at
the bank.Mother was involved in lady’s
organizations.This left the children to be
raised by the nanny.Although this is an
extreme example of imbalance between
the needs of the child and the needs of
the parents,it serves to remind couples to
maintain their marital relationship after
the birth of children.
Marriage and family therapists
frequently counsel couples who have
poured their lives into their children for
years.Then,when the last child leaves
home,the parents wake up one morning
and discover they are married to
strangers.They were so busy being
parents they forgot how to be spouses.
Therapists who work with new parents
often give the couple an assignment.The
couple is told to establish a“date night”
once a week,and a weekend away at least
every 3 months.These are practical ways a
couple can foster their marital
relationship as they face the demands of
parenthood.
Balancing the individual needs of
partners for separateness and
connectedness also can create conflict in
the new family.If partners perceive their
needs for individuality and separateness
are not being met,they may notice a
growing level of resentment.The more
differentiated each spouse is,the easier it
will be to balance these needs.As the new
parents continue to foster family
differentiation,they will develop a
balanced level of cohesion and
adaptability in their family system (Place,
Hulssmeier,Brownrigg,& Soulsby,2005).
Despite the discomfort and stress new
parents experience as they make the
transition to parenthood,the birth of a
child ideally brings an additional sense of
purpose to their marriage.Children bring
meaning,fulfillment,joy,and value to life.
Parents feel needed and essential to their
children’s well-being.These important
bonds are formed early and can last a
lifetime.