Chapter 8
Core Task: Commitment
The task ofcommitmentduring the
middle years centers on maintaining a
solid couple boundary and a strong couple
bond (Nichols & Pace-Nichols,1993).It is
easy for a family to be caught up in the
frantic pace of home life,work,children,
friends,church,and community.Meeting
all these needs can erode the couple’s
boundaries and weaken their relationship.
Over time,the relationship can become
increasingly fragile.
Accordingtomarriageandfamily
therapists,manycouplesintheirmiddle
yearsseektherapy.Theircomplaintsare
common.They“arenolongerinlove,”or
“havegrownindifferentdirections,”or“are
justboredwiththerelationship.”What
therapistshavefoundisthecouplesalmost
alwayshavepouredtheirtimeandattention
intochildren,school,work,church,and
other“good”activities,withoutcontinuing
tonourishtheirmaritalrelationship.Justas
aplantwilldiewithoutnourishment,sotoo
willamarriage.
Core Task: Caring
Maintaining acaringrelationship,
despite differing interests and the general
demands of life,is another core task of
this third stage (Nichols & Pace-Nichols,
1993).A couple’s faith in God and
dedication to their marriage vows can ease
this transition by fostering a
determination to work on the marriage
rather than abandon it.That is the key,
therapists point out: Couples must work
to maintain a close,caring relationship
throughout the childrearing years in order
to prevent complaints from becoming
grounds for divorce.The Conways (2001),
marriage counselors,writers and teachers
for over 35 years,suggest that when people
aren’t working and growing,marriage
grows stale.In our own practices,we,
along with other therapists,have
witnessed many couples in their middle
years working to revitalize their
marriages—and succeeding.A large
number of couples even report their
marriages are stronger than they have ever
been.Anything of value is worth
maintaining in top condition.How much
more,then,than the covenant of
marriage?Maintaining a caring relationship is
essential for a healthy marriage.ImagefromBigstockPhoto.com/vgstudio.