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Conflict in Families

have had to look for other ways to control
their anger.
Situational conflicts often occur
because of differing expectations. Each
member of the marital dyad comes to the
marriage with their own unique version of
how marital tasks should be allocated.
Couples are then faced with negotiating a
congruence of roles which can lead to
conflict. See Sidebar 12.1 for an example
of how expectations and incongruence
can create conflict.

Conflict Management Styles

It is important in marriage to avoid
conflict whenever possible. Downs and
Downs (2003) give some suggestions to
help couples avoid rather than deal with
conflict. These include:
Show up for the marriage:It is important

to develop dedication to the marriage which

requires time spent together. It is important

for couples to spend time interacting with

each other with a focus on each other.

Talk about something else:It is not just

about talking, but about learning what is

important to one’s spouse. This requires

conversation about things other than the

job, the children, or next week’s schedule,

such as art, God, politics, etc.

Heap on encouragement and praise:A

SIDEBAR12.1

A Humorous Example of the Incongruence

of Expectations

There is an old story about a young couple who

had recently returned from their honeymoon.

The new wife prepared a special dinner complete

with candlelight and music, they sat down to a

wonderfully romantic meal.After dinner, the new

husband pushed his chair back, took her hand

and said, “Let’s go for a walk”. She instantly

became angry and upset, fighting back tears. She

was instantly ready to defend, but she had no idea

what she needed to defend.

When they were later able to discuss what had

happened, he found out that in her family, the

parents never fought in front of the children.

They always went for a walk to argue. She found

out that in his family, after a wonderful meal, the

parents went out for a walk, leaving the dishes on

the table until they returned or for the children

to clean.

After that, he learned to preface a request to

go for a walk with a smile and a word of assurance

that everything was fine, and she learned that

disagreements, managed in healthy ways, were

actually part of normal family life.

When a spouse withdraws from conflict without

cooperation, resentment can build which

can sometimes erupt violently.

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