Chapter 12
fundamental tenet is that conflict increases
as praise decreases.According to Downs and
Downs (2003) there are gender differences
in play here. In the absence of praise, women
perceive disapproval. The opposite is true for
men. The absence of criticism means
everything is alright. Sidebar 12.2 is an
example of incongruent expectations.
Balswick and Balswick (2006) describe
five styles of conflict management spouses
use.While we often use a combination of
styles, when tension rises, we tend to fall
back on the style modeled most in our
family of origin. That style may or may not
have worked well in our family of origin,
but in a marriage it frequently creates even
more conflict.As you examine the five
styles, keep in mind none of the styles are
intrinsically bad. Some produce more
consistently positive outcomes, but each of
the styles may be appropriate in certain
circumstances.
The Balswicks (1999; 2006) explain
that at different times in His ministry,
Jesus used each of these patterns of conflict
management. In a biblical model of family,- Withdrawal:A family member simply
withdraws without cooperation or
assertion.This is not healthy in most
family situations because resentment
tends to build.The family member
who is practicing avoidance may
allow emotions to build and may
suddenly erupt irrationally.The
biggest problem for the withdrawer is
to come back and work on resolving
the issue.
2. Yield:A family member yields (or
gives in) to another family member.
This is unhealthy when the yielder
gives in without expressing their own
desires, they build up resentment
toward others.
3. Win:A family member is always
trying to create conflict in order to
win. These family members will
spend much time arguing over
seemingly insignificant issues, just
because they enjoy winning and can’t
stand to lose. These spouses tend to
be very persuasive, harsh, and
demeaning to their spouse.
4. Compromise:Family members
negotiate, each giving up a little in
order to keep the peace. This may be
appropriate in some situations, but
at other times, compromise can
undercut what is the“right thing”
to do. Cooperation in finding a
mutually satisfactory resolution is
the goal.
5. Resolve:This spouse will stay with
a conflict until there is a good
resolution for each party.Maximum
satisfaction is the goal of the
resolver since they see compromise
as defeat.