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Chapter 14

Listening involves more than just
hearing words. It also involves watching
the other person’s body language. Pay
close attention to their eyes and upper lip.
These can provide clues about how
someone is feeling. Are the eyes clear or
red, dry, or watery, wide open or partially
closed? A quivering upper lip usually
indicates the person is upset, while a
straight or slightly tight lip generally
indicates stress.
Employ active listening skills. This
involves clarifying what you are hearing
another person say. It means listening
closely to the words and observing the
body language, rather than developing
your own response while the person is still
talking.

What to Avoid

Avoid saying,“I understand.” This
trivializes the other person’s problem and
actually suggests an unwillingness to
understand. No two people have had the
exact same experience, so saying you
understand isn’t necessarily true.
Avoid giving advice unless the other
person asks for it—or you are talking
about your own experience and feel
qualified to draw a conclusion from it.
When you give unwanted advice, you
minimize the other person’s problem and
communicate an unwillingness to listen
more deeply.

Avoid statements such as this:

“Everyone feels that way once in a while.”

This minimizes a person’s pain.

Understand that a person’s pain is unique

to each person. Do not assume to know

how someone feels.

Avoid telling another person he or she

doesn’t feel a certain way. Remember,

everyone is unique, and our feelings are

unique to our situations. Even when the

situation seems identical, what you feel

may not be the same as what someone else

feels.

Acknowledge or Identify the Other

Person’s Feelings

To show you are listening, acknowledge

the other person’s feelings by rephrasing

what the person has said, or respond by

interpreting what you think the other

person is feeling. Be careful not to

minimize or invalidate those feelings.

Instead, use statements such as these:“You

look really sad”;“That must be really

difficult for you to deal with.”

Ask the other person to share more. By

expressing your desire to understand this

person’s point of view, you help in

overcoming a sense of vulnerability.

Sharing intimately—especially about

complex topics—can be difficult. By

showing you are interested and you care,

you make it easier for them to open up.