much better that you see that you harmed somebody
than that you protect yourself from that. But you only
get two minutes for regret.” That’s a good thing to re-
member because otherwise you might flagellate
yourself—”Oy vey, Oy vey.”
- Refraining. The second part of confessing
neurotic action is refraining. It’s painful when you
see how in spite of everything you continue in your
neurosis; sometimes it has to wear itself out like an
old shoe. However, refraining is very helpful as long
as you don’t impose too authoritarian a voice on your-
self. Refraining is not a New Year’s resolution, not a
setup where you plan your next failure by saying, “I
see what I do and I will never do it again,” and then
you feel pretty bad when you do it again within the
half hour.
Refraining comes about spontaneously when you
see how your neurotic action works. You may say to
yourself, “It would still feel good; it still looks like it
would be fun,” but you refrain because you already
know the chain reaction of misery that it sets off. The
initial bite, or the initial drink, or the initial harsh
word might give you some feeling of well-being, but
it’s followed by the chain reaction of misery that
you’ve been through not once but five thousand
times. So refraining is a natural thing that comes
from the fact that we have basic wisdom in us. It’s im-
portant to remember that refraining is not harsh, like
yelling at yourself or making yourself do something
102 Overcoming Resistance