Acting out and repressing are the main ways that
we shield our hearts, the main ways that we never re-
ally connect with our vulnerability, our compassion,
our sense of the open, fresh dimension of our being.
By acting out or repressing we invite suffering, bewil-
derment, or confusion to intensify.
Drive all blames into Mortimer. Someone once
heard the slogan “Drive all blames into one” and
thought it was “Drive all blames into Juan.” Whether
you call him or her Juan or Juanita or Mortimer, the
usual tactic is either to act out or repress. If Mor-
timer or Juan or Juanita walks by and craving arises,
you try to get together by flirting or making advances.
If aversion arises, you try to get revenge. You don’t
stay with the raw feelings. You don’t hold your seat.
You take it a step further and act out.
Repressing could actually come under the cate-
gory of ignorance. When you see Juan or Juanita or
Mortimer, you just shut down. Maybe you don’t even
want to touch what they remind you of, so you just
shut down. There’s another common form of repres-
sion, which has to do with guilt: Juan walks by; aver-
sion arises; you act out; and then you feel guilty about
it. You think you’re a bad person to be hating Juan,
and so you repress it.
What we’re working with in our basic shamatha-
vipashyana practice—and explicitly with the tonglen
practice—is the middle ground between acting out
and repressing. We’re discovering how to hold our
Poison as Medicine 41