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passions somewhere else, like playing music or writing, or even working on cars, and they let
their need for women almost disappear. Once they get to this state, they can then go out and
just be with women without projecting their need. Women lower their guards around this kind of
guy because he’s washed the stink of desperation off.
Part of this gratification delay can be accomplished by understanding enough about the
rules of the game you’re in to give up the need for results. If you’ve ever been fishing, you know
that you don’t always reel in a fish with every line you cast. In fact, you rarely do. It’s when you
can cast the line and pull it in, time after time, not really caring if the line comes up empty, that
you can then start to refine your bait, your intuition about where to cast and when, and know
what to do when you do get one on the hook.
THE COMFORT FACTOR AND THE NOVELTY SYNDROME...............................................................................
Why do we delude ourselves, cover up Truth with a lie? Primarily because humans seek
comfort as a natural part of our existence. Life doesn’t offer many comforts, physical or
psychological. We’re forced to find these ourselves, and if we can’t find them, we make them.
It’s easier to make ourselves feel better than risk feeling worse.
So, what is so unique about the first couple weeks or months of dating that makes it
such a volatile time in a relationship? Consider this: The early stages of meeting someone,
determining if that chemistry is there and pursuing it with the right energy, is mostly art, not
science. It is addressed with the most primal of human emotions and psychological processes.
This is a zone where the Pundits like to think they know what’s going on. But, if you take notice,
almost none of the books out there address the reality of finding someone to date. They all
cover the late stages, where the couple has gotten past those awkward first couple months of
lust and good times and is discovering that they have to work to keep it together. Too often,
people stay together at this point only because they remember just how hard it was to get past
the tough early stages.
The early time, the first sixty days or so, is also subject to what I call the Novelty
Syndrome. The newness, the exciting thrill of this fresh possibility in your life, leads you to cover
your eyes and tell yourself some very fancy lies. You’ll refuse to recognize the warning signals
as they come up, and if you do, you can only prepare yourself for pain.
Remember that everything new eventually becomes old. Every car you’ve ever owned
lost its shine and luster. Every relationship you’ve ever had eventually wound down in one way
or another. Why? Because your interest and attraction level in her lowered once you could take
her for granted. Long-term relationships require a certain level of reinvestment to keep them
going, and we’ll talk more about that later.
The early stages (first sight through the first ten dates) are the trickiest part, and it’s an
area that I propose can be addressed with a little science. When you can break it down, analyze
it, and define the process in concrete steps, you’ll be less likely to fall into that “better than
nothing” trap. There are always mistakes you will have to make to learn and succeed, but I aim
to get you through them quicker, and with more of your dignity intact afterwards.
Have you ever wondered why “Sex and the City” is such a big hit? It’s a very funny,
insightful show, yes, but it also addresses the very real fact that this is the most unstable (and