© 2003 – Carlos Xuma. – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved –
Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit http://www.datingdynamics.com for more information.CONTENTION PRINCIPLE..........................................................................................................................
If there is one concept you must understand in the dynamic of relationships, it is the
Principle of Contention. Simply stated, the Truth is that you must learn to walk away from
relationships where you are not getting what you want. If a woman is not naturally (i.e.,
without nagging or coercion) giving you the essential basics of what you want in a relationship,
you must move on to find someone who will.
Many advice Pundits would tell you that you should ask for what you want if you’re not
getting it. I would agree that you can ask only when most of your other basic requirements and
desires are being met. However, when a major requirement is not being met, asking for
everything else is irrelevant. You’re dealing with a person who – by their nature – cannot meet
your minimum requirements. (See the story of the Scorpion and the Frog again). Where you run
into trouble is when you believe that you can be happy in a relationship where your
requirements are always a point of struggle. The best relationships, the ones that really work,
are the ones where there is an acceptable level of basic needs met for each person without a
lot of contention.
The arguments in this situation go something like this:Donna may very well “try,” but it is asking her to do something that is against her nature.
It’s like asking Saddam Hussein to “try” to be more tolerant and peaceful. It’s not who he is. With
most people, you have to be willing to take a “what you see is what you get approach.”
Changing these key behavioral traits is like trying to get a bird to swim.
The mistake occurs when Brad starts thinking he can go into relationship counseling or
therapy to manage his requirement to get Donna to touch him. He hears her say that the
incident with her sixteenth birthday is the reason, and Brad will get caught up trying to find a
way to fix her issue. This is a situation where he should strongly consider cutting his losses,
because the bottom line Truth is that Donna is simply not affectionate. It doesn’t matter
“why.” He will spend countless hours trying to fix Donna and her dysfunction rather than
understand that he needs to go find a woman who is affectionate. The trust issue from her
sixteenth birthday doesn’t matter.
Stop trying to solve women’s issues! When you find a significant point of contention in
what you want versus what she is capable of giving you, you must decide whether to accept
it or move on. Don’t be quick to accept her shortcoming, either. Chances are you made
something a requirement because you genuinely want it in your relationship, and you should get
it. In the earlier example, Brad could fool himself for a while that he doesn’t have to have
affection from Donna, but in the end, he’ll be deeply unhappy.
Brad: “I’d just like you to reach out and touch me more often. When we’re out, you hardly ever touch
me, or hold my hand, or even hug me when we see each other.”
Donna: “That’s tough for me. You see, when I was sixteen, I didn’t get the bike I wanted for my
birthday, and ever since then, I’ve had a trust issue. I have a tough time with affection.”
Brad: “Well, can you try to reach out more?”
Donna: “I guess I can try.”