Relating to Your Parents as an Adult
Some otherwise confident and accomplished adults say they feel
like 10-year-olds around their parents. These are people not yet free
of their inherited purpose. Here several suggestions to move your
relationship with your parents to an adult–adult level.
RELATE TO THEM SEPARATELY
Obviously, except for some stepparents, your parents knew each
other before you got here. Possibly they support each other in deny-
ing and suppressing the topics they prefer to avoid. You may even
be delightfully surprised to know them as individuals. Additionally,
you now have some control over the degree of intimacy in your re-
lationship with each of them. There are no rules about how your re-
lationship with them should be now that you are grown up,
although the expectations of all concerned on this topic may be
huge. You can choose the place in the spectrum that suits you from
formal civility to warmhearted affection.
ASK THEM TO RETIRE
By the time you’re 18, your parents’ work is pretty much complete.
However, since no one comes along to tell them this, you may have
to do it yourself. Point out that they will remain your parents for-
ever, worthy of the love and respect accorded their position. The
only difference is they no longer need to do the work. They have
become Mom Emeritus and Dad Emeritus. Remember, they have
thought of themselves as your parents for a very long time, respon-
sible for guiding and supporting you. All of us all enjoy feeling use-
ful. Thus, you may need to discuss their retirement with them more
than one time before they agree. Should they persist in offering un-
solicited advice and criticism, you can gently threaten them with
Parents Anonymous—smile when you do this.
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THEM OR GET THEIR APPROVAL
I (PL) remember telling my late mother, “Look, Mom, I am
grown up now, so there isn’t much you can do to change me at
this point. So, please retire, so we have a more friendly relation-
ship as adults.” This works both ways. Of course your parents
should be different from how they are. But you’ll be happier and
wealthier, too, when you cease trying to change them, especially
if you are trying to get their approval. Likely their disapproval is a
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