habitual attempt to control you. Now that you are grown up, it is
up to you whether you grant them that control.Family Dynamics
A family is a dynamic psychological and emotional system. A func-
tional family operates for the maximum benefit of all members. A
dysfunctional family functions to perpetuate the inherited or ac-
quired neuroses of the authority figures. The system consists of in-
terrelated bonds, boundaries, rules, and roles. Once again, some of
the bonds, boundaries, rules, and roles worked for the benefit of all
concerned, and others did not. Some things must have worked well
in your family, no matter how dysfunctional it was, or you could not
have survived.Your View of Your Parents
It is unreasonable to believe your parents were perfect and were
able to raise you without making a mistake (usually manymistakes
and omissions, as well). Nor should you think they are the worst
people on earth. You could not have survived your childhood if
they were. It is probably reasonable to say they were well-
intentioned people with flaws—perhaps even serious ones. What-
ever they did or didn’t do, each of us is responsible for recovering
from our upbringing.
They were probably wrong about money. This doesn’t make
them bad people, just flawed.
What follows is a discussion of each element of family dynamics:
bonds, boundaries, rules, and roles.Bonds
Family bonds are lifelong, for better or worse. Even if you live for
over a century, your relationship with your parents will never fade
from memory. The most important bond in any family should be
that between husband and wife. This bond acts as the example the
children absorb about intimate relationships, and this is the bond
that will remain between the spouses after the children have grown
up and left. In some destructive cases, the strongest bonds are not
those between wife and husband. If the husband’s strongest bond is
to his work and the wife’s strongest bond is to the children, they will80 Your Recovery from a Good Upbringing