For this reason, we’ll present three examples of people breaking
free of inherited purposes that came from unconsciously adopted
family roles.
Some part of the reason why people bear and rear children is to
perpetuate their own genetic characteristics in the world. There-
fore, in varying degrees, an important childhood message our par-
ents gave us is “Be like me.” Sometimes parents punish children for
behavior they themselves do, but almost no parent is so bold about
this as to tell a child, “Do as I say, not as I do.” As children, we either
conformed to or rebelled against this message; the choice formed a
part of our inherited purpose.
Additionally, we needed to find a way to fit into the social struc-
ture that existed in our family before our arrival. It is rare that chil-
dren try for a role that has already been taken, because of the
resulting competitive sibling rivalry. The role we adopt enables us
to fit in, be accepted, and perhaps even be useful. These roles are
dynamic and change with major transitions in the family. Job loss,
death, divorce, and relocation may cause family members to change
roles, because the challenge caused by the new situation may bring
out a previously unseen portion of their personality.
To generalize a few examples of family roles, there are caretak-
ers, providers, comedians, lost children, rebels without a cause,
good students, sick children, confidantes, beauty queens, and star
athletes. Whether one role is better than another is an individual
judgment. The deciding issue is whether you have chosen the role
consciously or whether the role represents an unconscious choice
made a long time ago as a child to fit in with your family.People Who Discarded Family Roles
and Moved on to True PurposeThe examples that follow of Mary and Beverly are almost polar op-
posites. Theirs and George’s story illustrate that what is right for
one person is not right for another. Mary was a social worker, very
unhappy with her career when I (PL) met her. When she declared
her true purpose, the reason she was unhappy in her work became
evident. Nothing in the purpose she declared was even remotely re-
lated to social work. After some discussion of her family history, we
discovered the caretaking part of her social work job was a role
adopted in childhood. She was the oldest sister in a large, poor fam-
ily with both her parents working long hours.86 Your Recovery from a Good Upbringing