Neuro Linguistic Programming

142 Part II: Winning Friends and Influencing People

If someone is stuck in a past negative experience, agreeing with them is useful

(without getting caught up in the drama of the story) because it allows you to

lead them into a more positive state. Whereas, disagreeing from the start,

before attaining a level of rapport, can lead to conflict that detracts from a

favourable result.

The positive memories you create today are the positive memories that you

can look back on tomorrow.

As with most things in life, the key to success is getting a balance. When you

find yourself dwelling too much on the past, present, or future, make a con-

scious effort to shift your focus, until doing so becomes second nature.

If you have a tendency to focus more on past events or daydream about the

future, and you want to enjoy your experiences of the present, train yourself

to stop and take a really good look around your environment. Notice the

people around you, the layout of a room, or what you see out of a window.

Or, if you’re outside, take a look at the space between the branches and

When a time focus conflict happens in marriage

Although in very well-paid jobs, John and

Sandra never seemed able to live within their

means, and lived from day to day. They didn’t

budget, or plan for things like holidays, house

moves, and what their lives would look like in

five years. Money was always a bone of conten-

tion because it seemed to get frittered away on

impulse buys. During a counselling session for

couples, they realised that Sandra’s focus was

on the present while John was always dream-

ing about the wonderful house they would have,

where they’d go on holidays, and so on, when

they had the money. He had his sights set on

the future. When the couple was made aware

of the difference in their thinking, they decided,

in the short term, to set targets for how they

would budget and plan treats for themselves,

even booking pretend dates. Setting small goals

like this gave them practice for making bigger

plans. They also gained confidence in man-

aging their finances as they recognised they

could save money, but without having to give

up things they enjoyed doing.

John still struggled to get Sandra to think

beyond the month’s plans. During the course of

further counselling sessions, Sandra realised

that the reason she ‘lived for the day’ was

because her father had lost his business and

she had witnessed him crying and saying to

his wife, ‘I thought I’d got it all planned, what’s

the use of planning?’ The shock of seeing her

strong Dad crying stunned Sandra and his

words went straight into her unconscious, pre-

venting her from making plans in her life. Sandra

learnt that although nothing is set in stone, her

unconscious memory of the past was stopping

her from creating any sort of a comfortable

future for herself and John. Although she still

finds that trusting in the future is difficult, she’s

at least aware of her fears and doesn’t put up

barriers when John wants to make plans.