28 Part I: Introducing NLP
was already getting massive amounts of love and attention from her husband
and daughter. One of the side-effects of the therapy was that Janet was able
to understand that her own mother’s behaviour was based on her mother’s
problems and weren’t Janet’s fault.
When you identify the concealed positive intention that’s causing a person
to behave in a particular unresourceful way, you can increase your flexibility
and thereby your ability to communicate effectively with that person. You can
then help to change the unwanted behaviour by satisfying the intention of the
behaviour in a more positive way.
When one of the authors worked for a multinational company, a sales man-
ager, Patrick, occupied one of the free desks in her corner of the building
when he visited. Some of the kinder terms people used for Patrick were obnox-
ious and inconsiderate. He would spread himself out. He sprawled in his chair,
which meant it was pushed out away from his desk and people in the corner
had to squeeze past. He was loud, made demands on everyone around him,
and was extremely unpleasant to his secretary.
An office gossip revealed that poor Patrick’s behaviour was the product of a
domineering mother and even more masterful wife. Unfortunately, his need
for acceptance, and especially respect, made him behave in ways that gave
him results that were exactly the opposite to what he craved. One of the ben-
efits of finding out about Patrick’s background was that the staff were able
to think a little more kindly about him and his presence no longer sent blood
pressures soaring. By showing him a degree of acceptance, they were able to
satisfy his needs a little and mellow his behaviour.
People are much more than their behaviour
Romilla was watching a television programme on speeches given by impor-
tant historical figures. She was intrigued by Martin Luther King’s response
to a journalist on how to deal with racists. King could have been quoting the
presupposition that people are more than their behaviour when he said: ‘I’m
talking about a type of love that will cause you to love the person who does
the evil deed while hating the deed that the person does.’
The point is that behaving badly doesn’t make someone a bad person.
Separating the behaviour from the person is really important. People can
behave badly when they don’t have the inner resources or ability to behave
differently in that instance. Perhaps they find themselves in an environment
that stops them from being the best they can be. Helping people to develop
