Chapter 5: Pushing the Communication Buttons 77
The following sections present two scenarios, showing the NLP communica-
tion model in practice.
Scenario 1..............................................................................................
For some people, today has been a lovely, hot summer’s day. But the air-
conditioning in the office wasn’t working and Dan had an awful day. He gets
in the car and with a sigh of relief puts on the air-conditioning to battle his
weary way home. His son, Drew, had promised he would cut the grass. Dan’s
looking forward to sitting out on a tidy, freshly mown lawn with a glass of
chilled lager. As he drives up he notices the grass is uncut.
Dan storms into the house, so caught up in his emotions that all he can feel
is bitter resentment welling up. He starts ranting at Drew, who retreats into
his sullen teenage shell muttering about the broken lawnmower, a statement
that Dan doesn’t hear. Finally, Drew yells ‘Cut the damn grass yourself,’ as he
storms off. Neither person is willing to communicate any more and both slide
down the spiral of shouting, slammed doors, and finally silence.
In this example, when Dan explodes, the uncut grass is the trigger for setting
up an internal state of anger, resentment, and frustration in him. The inter-
nal process may be a monologue such as, ‘He promised. I knew I shouldn’t
expect anything from him. We always give him the best and he always lets
us down.’ This monologue is accompanied with pictures from the past when
Drew didn’t live up to Dan’s expectations.
Dan’s external behaviour of ranting at Drew, in that particular tone of voice
or with that look on his face, provokes an internal state in Drew. Drew may
experience feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration very similar to
those felt by Dan. He may make pictures of previous altercations with his
father and know that he isn’t going to be heard, just like all those other times.
Drew’s external behaviour of adopting his usual, sulking manner and mutter-
ing may then further inflame his father... and so the process continues.
Scenario 2..............................................................................................
Now imagine scenario 2. Dan drives up and sees the uncut grass. Instead of
exploding, he recognises his internal state and how that can affect his behav-
iour. So he takes a deep breath and asks Drew why the grass hasn’t been
cut. Drew, expecting recriminations, gets defensive as he explains that the
mower broke down. From past experience, Dan realises that Drew is likely to
retreat into his shell and so he offers to show Drew how to mend the mower.
He chills out with a glass of lager before helping Drew carry out the repairs.
Drew mows the lawn before the family sits down to a companionable meal.