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Friends, Peers, and Enemies 163
Why did my friends turn against me?
Hey Terra,
I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. In my class (I’m in sixth grade), there’s a
group of girls that I used to be friends with. But one of them is having a party and hasn’t
invited me. When I asked her why, she said it was because the party is going to be “coupled
up” and I was an “extra.” Then this other girl said that the real reason is that none of the boys
wanted to be coupled up with me. Now all these girls do is talk about the party and how cool
it’s going to be, and I feel really left out. What I don’t understand is why they’re being so
mean. What can I do to get to go to the party?
Not Invited
Dear Not Invited,
A similar thing once happened to me, and I remember that it really hurt. But when I finally
realized that the girls who snubbed me weren’t really my friends, I stopped feeling bad. I know
this can be confusing. Maybe you’re wondering why these friends are treating you this way, or
you’re trying to figure out if you did something to make them turn against you. My guess is
that you didn’t do anything “wrong.” Sometimes tight groups of friends find it “fun” to exclude
others. They feel more important if they believe they’re on the inside, while other people are
on the outside. Of course, it never feels good to be excluded, but the inside/outside stuff is
only as important as you make it.
So what can you do now? Well, unless these girls suddenly become more sensitive and
compassionate, you probably won’t receive an invitation to this party. How you feel about that
is your choice. You can feel sorry for yourself, or you can use this as an opportunity to think
about what makes a real friend. Look for an ally in your class—someone who isn’t part of this
clique of girls—and reach out to her. You and this other person already have something in
common. If it feels like there’s potential for a new friendship, I’d suggest that you plan some-
thing special to do, just the two of you, on the night of the party. This way, you’ll realize that
you have the power to create your own good time. Thanks for writing.
In friendship,
Terra