186 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating
Developing and then following a set of agreements is one way to keep a
relationship healthy. And when agreements are in place, nobody has to say the
same things over and over. If you keep your agreements, and your parents keep
theirs, life is much more enjoyable and everyone gets along better.
What should your agreements be? You can probably develop a list that suits
your particular family, but if you don’t know where to start, begin by thinking
about common disagreements between you. Based on the letters I’ve received
over the years, arguments between teens and their parents center around two
main categories: social life and schoolwork.See if some of these exchanges are
typical at your home:Parents: “Be home by 11 P.M. and don’t be late!”
You:“Is five minutes after curfew really ‘late’?”Parents: “You’ve been on the phone too long.”
You: “How long is ‘too long’?”Parents: “I expect you to get good grades.”
You: “Are B’s ‘good’ enough?”Parents: “You can’t hang out with people who look like
that and aren’t nice.”
You: “Define ‘nice.’”Parents:“You’d better do well in school if you ever want
to get into a good college.”
You:“What do you consider a ‘good’ college?”Parents and teens clearly have different expectations. This is why it’s so
important to know exactlywhat the agreements are, as well as the consequences
for breaking them. Whenever you and your parents make a new agreement, you
also need to define the consequences for breaking it. It’s often helpful to put a
major agreement in writing. Then, when a crisis arises, no important “details”
will be forgotten and both you and your parents will be clear on how to deal
with the problem.
If you’re wondering why you need agreements (and consequences) at all,
remember that, as a teenager, you’re still a minor, and this means you’re not yet