216 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating
COPING WITH THE ANXIETY
Many (but certainly not all) teens relate to AFs in one of two ways: either they
realize they’re nervous and automatically act shy, or they deny their anxiety and
automatically act defiant. Neither way is healthy or helpful.
If you’re anxious around AFs, you probably feel powerless. And feeling
powerless can cause you to get into the habit of always reacting to authority fig-
ures in the same way. If you automatically react to someone—whether an AF, a
parent, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a friend, or a sibling—you give up your freedom
to be yourself at that moment. This makes it nearly impossible to have a
healthy, honest relationship.
How do you pick up a habit like this? If you’ve ever had a negative experi-
ence with an AF in the past, you may have decided that it’s best not to question
authority because it gets you in trouble. As a result, you feel nervous or power-
less in the presence of an AF. Or maybe you had the opposite reaction and
decided that giving an authority figure a hard time will make him/her back off
and leave you alone. As a result, you’ve learned to act rude or defensive. Once
you recognize an automatic behavior, you can work on changing it.
The first step is to make an effort to get to know the authority figures in
your life as individuals, not as people you thinkyou already know. Take one
of your teachers as an example. Maybe you’ve never even had a conversation
with your teacher, and the only interaction you’ve had is during class. If this
is the case, you might see your teacher as someone you have to put up with
for a certain amount of time each school day.
What if you were to get to know your teacher on a more personal level? Start
to form a stronger relationship with your teacher by simply saying hi in a
friendly way when you pass each other in the hallways, or by staying after class
to ask a question. If you’re still totally nervous about the idea of talking to an
AF in a new way, that’s normal. You know that he/she has authority over you,
and this can translate to a threat to your well-being. Teachers can fail you,
coaches can cut you from the team, and bosses can fire you—plus, they’re all
older than you. It’s natural to feel anxious when dealing with these people. So
take a few deep breaths before starting a conversation with an AF. If you want,
imagine beforehand what you’ll say and rehearse the words in your head. Once
you start talking for real, you’ll start to relax!