230 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating
When people feel attacked, it’s natural for them to get defensive or even coun-
terattack. And because it’s difficult to think clearly when threatened, each per-
son involved may become more aggressive. On the simplest level, this is how
disagreements turn into wars.
Here’s an example of a similar conversation, based on more respectful com-
munication:You: “Excuse me, could you please tell me what time it is?”
Stranger: (glancing at watch) “Sure. It’s just past noon.”
You: “Thanks.”
Stranger: “No problem.”Clearly, this conversation went much better! The encounter was a positive
one because both people showed courtesy and respect. Even the simplest
exchanges work best when people speak and listen to each other with respect.
Have you noticed that communication between strangers is sometimes eas-
ier than between people who know each other well? For example, have you ever
revealed things about yourself to people in a support group or a chat room,
because you felt more comfortable sharing your feelings with them than with
your own family? Many people—adults and teens alike—have trouble sharing
their most private thoughts, emotions, and problems with the people closest to
them, and it takes time and effort to learn to open up. Lots of people also have
a hard time resolving conflicts with those they’re close to (family, friends,
boyfriends/girlfriends). For whatever reason, it’s difficult to talk, and issues that
need to be discussed are buried instead. As a result, nothing gets resolved.
You probably handle conflicts differently with the different people in
your life, and sometimes it’s anything but easy. With your best friend, you
might feel as if you can bring up any issue and deal with it right away. With a
boyfriend/girlfriend, however, you might feel unsure about whether it’s okay to
talk about stuff that’s private or difficult. And with a parent, you might some-
times think it’s impossible to talk about tough issues without being judged.
Although it’s a challenge to communicate openly with certain people in your
life, resolving conflicts peacefully is always worth the effort.
Why is it so important to know how to resolve conflicts successfully?
Because they’re bound to come up in any relationship. Issues can range
from jealousy, to a desire for more independence, to feeling unappreciated,
to wanting more privacy, and on and on. But allconflicts have one thing in